Let the Games Begin!

It's official. I am free to race my heart to any speed I choose. I can run and snow shoe and exercise and aerobicize and jump rope and lift weights until I sweat and my heart is pounding against my chest.

My EKG came back perfect.

What a waste of nearly 5 months while I waited for an appointment (due to my travel schedule, 2 cancellations by the doc, and one repair of the machine). Think what I could have done in the past 20 weeks.

Anyway, that's history and today is the beginning of my future.

Nothing can stop me now. My heart is ready and so am I.

It's time to rummmble!

Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Bandaged Heart

I have always trusted my heart. I have trusted it to lead me in the right direction. I have trusted it to keep on beating. I have taken it for granted for a long time.

In recent times, I have gained a real understanding of the reality of heart failure, the kind that happens when someone follows their heart, only to find that things are not as they had hoped.

I am also aware of the heart failure that can occur when someone doesn't take care of themself (oddly, often as a result of emotional heart damage resulting in poor lifestyle choices), causing real physical damage to their heart and possibly threatening or shortening their life.

The good news is that we live in the 21st century and there are many treatments, medications, and proven lifestyle changes that can help to reverse (or at least "put on hold") the physical damage caused from years of unhealthy choices leading to the reality of a damaged heart. Once damage is determined, the time for change and healing is finite and critical. There can be pain and discomforts involved as we begin to stretch long inactive muscles, give up foods that are unhealthy for us and bend our abused body into shape. If we are diligent, we will walk away from the healing process with a stronger heart, a better self-image and a healthier body.

And the good news is that the emotional damage from heart break can also be healed, but it sometimes is slower to respond and requires more time. Meds are not the answer for emotional heart ache. Some change in how we make choices is probably appropriate, and exercise and lifestyle changes can certainly help our emotional state, but this indefinite time of change and healing for an emotionally damaged heart can be a slow and painful process of introspection, rather than physical exertion. If we are diligent, we will walk away from the healing process with a stronger heart, a more honest self-perception and a healthier outlook on life and love.

Although quick fix solutions will sometimes get us through the necessary comings and goings of daily life as we redirect and reassess and rebuild our hearts and lives, in the end it will take more than a band-aid to truly repair a damaged heart.

I am not going to stop trusting my heart, it has served me well (most of the time) as I have ventured here and there during my life. I am, however, going to be more attentive, take better care of myself physically and emotionally, and always carry a band-aid. Just in case.

Heart "Alone"

Elated Exhaustion

What happens when you combine lack of sleep with uber-multitasking, emotional turmoil, financial challenges and then also factor in: limited time, energy and resources?

Fatigue. Exhaustion. Stress. High blood pressure. Beta Blocker. (note the absence of "meltdown" - I consider this a personal triumph of great importance!)

Yeah, I'm tired, yeah I am now on meds, but I am not having a meltdown, on the verge of a breakdown, doomed to an eternal money pit, unable to pay my bills, unemployed, in pain or dying of brain cancer.

I am just tired. Well, maybe a bit stressed too, and out of shape, but mainly I am just tired. I tend to burn the candle from both ends, and have for as long as I can remember. You would think I would learn.

And I do learn, but then I forget and suffer the consequences. However, life has it's ups and downs and over the years I have learned to simply roll along. Everything seems to work itself out over time, one way or another, and karma reigns supreme. I truly believe that whole "what goes around comes around" philosophy that I blogged about a while back: Be good to others and goodness will come to you, be honest with others and honesty will be returned to you, stop exercising and taking care of yourself and high blood pressure and excess weight will be your reality, start exercising and eat better and improved health will suddenly make you feel younger. It's one of those eternal laws - karmic by nature, self-induced in practice.

So, it's time to take corrective steps and move forward. And I am doing just that.

I love my life, I believe in the good of people, I trust my gut, I am taking steps to correct weaknesses and flaws in myself, and I am elated that tomorrow is just around the corner. I am making better decisions, I am collecting the pieces and putting them together, I am eating better and moving more, I am snuffing out one end of the candle, and I am ready to hit the road with a better attitude and healthier body.

After doing all that I can, I will watch for 'it' to come around, and it's already started: blood pressure and weight are dropping, truth, kindness, honesty and respect are returning, laughter is increasing. It feels like me again. It feels like my life again. It feels like today. I love today, hope for tomorrow and treasure yesterday. I am excited about life and am preparing to continue to hit it head on for a very long time - in shape, in a good mood, with the right attitude. One candle burning, from one end only, at a time.

But first, I am going to take a nap (and dream of a marathon finish line and a multi-candle dinner). Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

Rascal Flatts "Feels Like Today"

From the Heart

Love is a many splendored thing. Love means never having to say you are sorry. Love makes the world go round. LOVE.

Love is from the heart.

Today I had good news and bad news from the doc. I have changed my diet and exercised more and my blood pressure is way down, that is the good news.

I also learned that I have an irregularity in my heart, nothing that's going to kill me, but if it wasn't discovered I suppose it could have, and that would be the bad news.

It seems that my heart contracts as it should, but takes a bit too long to relax before contracting again. This can cause dizziness, or sudden death; fortunately I have not experienced either.

Oh geez. No worries. This could explain the weird "heart" thumps I have felt for most of my life and have mentioned to doctors repeatedly over the years, with no comment or diagnosis beyond "Most people have some irregular heartbeats on occasion, nothing to worry about."

Uh huh.

So now, I am on a beta blocker. This can cause dizziness, but prevents sudden death. I suppose that's an improvement. I also get to return to childhood memories and pop an orange-flavored baby aspirin daily. I guess there is a silver lining in every cloud!

It's amazing how even something that is supposedly controllable with meds can suddenly make you think about life from a new vantage point and cause you to see with immediate clarity who is important to you, you will be there for you, who you love - from your heart.

And for me, it's simple. I love my family. And I love my friends. And I love that I have a deep faith. And I love myself, I am happy with who I am. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I have few, if any, regrets.

And I love life. And I plan to stick around for a long time and continue to drive everyone crazy - and hopefully share a few laughs along the way.

And I love - easily, fully, with complete trust, unconditionally. And I am thankful for that. It may have given opportunity for disappointment and heartbreak in my life, but I would rather experience those things than live life with doubt and mistrust governing my thoughts and actions.

And I live from the heart. Life is good. But life with love is better.

True love is eternal.

Bryan Adams "Straight from the Heart"