Just Bury Me in a Moving Box

I can't count the number of moves I've made since I  married my children's father in January 1976. However, I am certain my children can.

It all started because I married a building contractor. You know the type - "If we build it, they will buy." Anyway, that was the theoretic plan. We would build a home, move in, and then sell it for a profit which was to be applied to the purchase of our next home. Somehow, no matter how good this sounds, it never really happened, but we managed to move around from one Hi-land Mountain Homes new-build to another for two decades (from Lake Arrowhead, CA to Running Springs, CA to Lake Arrowhead, CA to Crestline, CA to Lake Arrowhead, CA and to another home in Lake Arrowhead, CA...) I hope you get the picture.

And we weren't just accumulating and moving belongings over the years. We were accumulating and moving children.  Often, or more accurately, almost always, I was pregnant when we moved, or had a newborn. Such fun. So each move included at least one more child, until we were moving our six children from house to house.

And then we weren't. When I moved from California with the kids, the number started dropping. (we moved from Lake Arrowhead, CA to Provo, UT then to another home in Provo, UT).

Karynn was the first to bolt. I can't say I blame her. The divorce between her Dad and me had been hard on everyone, but our children took the brunt of it - as children of a divorce always do. She was ready to head off to college and didn't waste a minute doing so. And it was there she met her husband. Cedar City (home of Southern Utah University - SUU) has been her family home ever since. Her four children were born there, and there have been less than a handful of moves in their 14 years of marriage, and all within a 5-mile radius. Lucky for them! Karynn has a successful photography business, Bloomshoot Photography and continues to be an amazing mother and wife. (we had moved from Provo, UT to Holladay, UT to Cottonwood Heights, UT to another home in Cottonwood Heights, UT and then back to Lake Arrowhead, CA while Karynn was at college). 

And while I was moving around, her Dad and his wife were doing the same, so the kids always remind me to DOUBLE the number of moves I've made when calculating their individual moves.

Kurt was next. He was off to Honduras (yes, he preferred the stability of a third world country over mine). Two years later, returning with a newfound appreciation for our country, he wasted no time before heading off to Cedar City, UT to attend SUU (and meet his wife), before landing at BYU to complete his Juris Doctorate and Masters in Accounting. Since then he has traveled the world with his wife and children, visiting Europe, Guatemala, Honduras, and beyond, then spending several years on Wall Street and dedicating six months to an economic program in Chile before returning to familiar territory in Utah.  He manages his two successful online businesses Rocket Relief and Settle My Tax. We will see how long the former homebody (although he was never unadventurous) stays planted (we had moved from Lake Arrowhead, CA to Yucaipa, CA while Kurt was in Honduras).

Kollin didn't last much longer. He bounced back to California with me, after our five years in Utah, but was soon out and about as an 18-year old living on his own. Florida beckoned and he accepted the call to serve a two-year LDS mission, working with the hearing-impaired and speaking through American Sign Language. From there, he traveled to Washington state to visit Hal, Kelly, Kalen and me, where he met his soon-to-be wife on a road trip from Washington to Provo at the beginning of a school year. Since then he's bounced back to Lake Arrowhead, CA once, but has landed  firmly in Salt Lake City, UT with his wife and two girls, where he hangs his 3rd degree black belt at his own Jeff Speakman's Kenpo 5.0 studio. His classes include young children (he is the best martial arts instructor I've ever seen with children especially), teenagers, young professionals, mature adults, and he also teaches the hearing-impaired. (we had moved from Yucaipa, CA to Roslyn, WA while Kollin was in Florida). 

Kyle might have stuck around after high school, but decisions (not mine) about college funding effectively led him to leave family behind and head out on his own. He went north to Arcata and Humboldt to start his college education, then back to Southern California and UCLA to finish his degree. He supported himself through college and is quite an amazing person. Following graduation (and I mean immediately following graduation, we had barely swallowed the celebratory dinner) he was off to DC for a new job, with his girlfriend soon to follow. And he has been in DC and at the same job, ever since. I think he will move west again someday, but for now they are happy and love the DC life. They have good friends and a beautiful penthouse apartment - Kyle has been featured in an online apartment magazine for his keen decorating skills (URL coming soon!) (we had moved from Roslyn, WA to another home in Roslyn, WA to Salt Lake City, UT and then to another home in alt Lake City, UT while Kyle was in school).

Kelly made Washington state her home. She graduated from Cle Elum High School where she had discovered her passion for customer service and hospitality while also working at Suncadia Resort. She still calls Cle Elum her hometown, although she left Washington soon after graduation, having only lived there for a few years (I sobbed for two days straight when she left). She headed to Utah for school, landing in Cedar City and graduating from Southern Utah University. She met her husband in Cedar (do you see a pattern here?) and they have chosen to make their home in Cedar, with only two moves so far in their less than two year marriage, the last move landing them in a gorgeous new home that we all love to visit! Kelly is a personal trainer and photographer (URL coming soon!) :) (we had moved from Salt Lake City, UT to Albuquerque, NM (and Kalen had moved to Brazil for one year) while Kelly was in school).

Kalen, although my youngest, left the roost relatively earlier than her brothers and sisters. I cried my eyes out when she left for Brazil at the age of 16 for a year-long Rotary Exchange. She bounced around in Brazil from host family to host family before returning to Utah and the scattered reality of her Mom (and dog) living in Albuquerque, her Dad living in California, her step-dad living in Utah, and her brothers and sisters dotting the country in DC, NY, CA and UT. I am certain she felt a bit homeless. It didn't take long for her to stubbornly choose to live "on her own" and state clearly and firmly that she wouldn't be living with any of us, all at the age of 17. If she was going to move in the future, it would be her choice, not ours. So off she went from Utah, to California, and  finally to DC in February 2011. So she's in DC, where I thought I would live for a decade or more, but instead I am leaving. Life is putting me on the road again. So sad. So sad. But Kalen loves it here. She is finally launched; attending NOVA until she figures out her major, and working as a full time manager at Real People. She's found a great guy and I am feeling as if maybe I can finally let loose of the apron strings, the same strings she cut long ago and I tucked carefully into my pocket. Kalen's sense of style is flawless, and a future as a bilingual designer/buyer or personal shopper is inevitable. Brazil has stuck with her, both the couture style and the Portuguese language, but she will always be my baby. (URL coming soon!) (during Kalen's time in Brazil I moved from Salt Lake City, UT to Albuquerque, NM).

And there you have it, the saga of my many, many moves and the reactions of my children - either to plant their feet where they landed, or explore the world, but wherever they are each one has chosen to become an entrepreneur. No one's going to move them around the country, they will move when they want to. They are in control. They have no fear. They adapt. They are unlimited in their energy. And they are bright, optimistic, ethical, hardworking, grounded adults. I couldn't be prouder.

I will mention that nearly every move in my life has been because I had been recruited for a new position with a new organization, or found a new position...as a single Mom with six kids, better opportunities were difficult to turn down. I am ever grateful for the offers that came my way, but the long-term effects of all those moves are very real. Some of my children say they are grateful for the experiences, it made them who they are; some don't quite feel that way. And I agree with both positions. As for me, I have the paper-cut scars on my heart to live with, knowing that no matter how  many positive effects there might have been, there were also negative effects that linger here and there with my kids.

Life is rarely what I expect it to be. And now I am off to another adventure in Henderson, Nevada with my husband Hal (who is no longer living in SLC, but is right here with me in DC - and the official moving truck driver). My kids don't have to move with me this time and they don't have to move me either (believe me, they are cheering right now), but I will be leaving two of them in DC, and there will be tears flowing down my cheeks for days.

I've loved getting together with Kalen and Kyle. It's been good to spend time with them, especially since Kyle has been so far away for so long. What a joy he is and how proud of him I am. And Kalers, well, what can you say about your youngest child who happens to be a beautiful, willful, strong, fun, intelligent daughter? I can only say one thing. She lights up my life and I love her to pieces. I will miss them both terribly.

But as I leave (again), Kalen and I can look back on some unique segments of time when it's been just the two of us - Cle Elum in the hotel and our first rental, Salt Lake City in our rental and the condo, and then the long drive from Victorville, CA to Washington DC and the time we've spent together since she's been here. In spite of the many moves in her life (over 20 and she's only 19), we've had some pretty precious time together, something none of my other children ever really had - with the exception of those first 3 years with Karynn which I remember much better than she will.

But there's always a silver lining, and now I am looking forward to being close to more of our kids and grandkids. We won't be in the same city, but we will be within driving distance. I can go to baseball games; I can be at birthday parties!  I can attend concerts; I can enjoy my grandchildren! I can hug my kids! I can take them to Disneyland or to California beaches. And DC is a flight away...and I will visit as often as I can.

Life is so crazy, it's never calm. At least mine isn't. And now I'm back to packing. But I'm excited and can hardly wait...it's a new challenge, a new opportunity. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without all the fun memories of my past life, in all the wonderful places I've lived, with all the amazing people I've met. I have very few, if any, regrets. It hasn't been smooth, I've hurt myself and others along the way, but it's my life and I own it. And truth be known, I love it.

My kids are incredible. Patient, long-suffering, strong, valiant, honest, loyal and brilliant. They have made my life joyful, as I have bounced around from place to place. I will be eternally thankful.

And when my moving days are over, I will have the memories of friends and family to keep me going until it's time to just pack me away for good.

And when it is time...just bury me in a moving box. That's where I will feel most comfortable. And who knows, you might find a better plot for me someday... and I will already be packed. For the move.

Target Practice

"The world will end soon, because Heavenly Father won't put up with the evil abuse to his innocent children much longer." These were the words of my friend, Carolyn Fenn, probably two decades ago. And we're still here, and children are still being hurt.

She's right, our days are numbered, but we could have one or thousands of years ahead of us, and free agency is still around, bringing with it pain and sorrow for the choices made by those who don't care about anything or anyone but themselves.

I am thinking of yesterday's massacre in Tucson, AZ, at an event held by Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (shot and in critical condition, and the assumed primary target of the gunman), which took the lives of many, including a 9-year old girl. An innocent 9-year old girl, a student body officer recently elected at her elementary school. A daughter. A sister. A granddaughter. A friend. A little girl. An innocent.

Born on 9-11, Christina Taylor Green "came in on a tragedy and now she's gone out on a tragedy," said her father, John Green.

And there were others, 20 or so hurt or killed in this tragic incident. My heart goes out to all of the families who were hurt or have lost someone, but today I am focusing on an innocent 9-year old girl.

I love to shoot a revolver. One of my favorite things is to head to the shooting range for target practice. I have a gun. It's in a safe place in my home. I don't carry it with me, although I'm beginning to think I should.

But this is not about guns.

Yes, political targets were illustrated on US maps in last year's elections with gun sights and bull's eyes to identify their locations.

But this is not about Sarah Palin or the tea party.

To label either as responsible for this horrendous incident is like labeling all Muslims as terrorists. Or all Mormons as polygamists.  Or all liberals as abortionists. Or all conservatives as war hawks or millionaires.

This is about an innocent 9-year old girl. Shot and killed in the open public spaces of Tucson, Arizona.

It's not about maps. Or guns. Or political parties.

It's easy to point fingers, but that's child's play. It's time to be adults.

We need to stop the madness. Our madness.

This country will not fall at the hands of another, if it falls it will be of our own doing. Neighbor against neighbor. Brother against brother.

We can no longer place blame elsewhere. The ugly, damaging fighting within our country, between parties, is not something we can afford to ignore any longer.

It's time to get back to common sense, even when no sense can be made of this terrible tragedy. We need to remember that we are all on the same team, even if we look at things from different points of view.

We need to elevate the position of every individual, every person, every human being, in the minds of our youth, and in our own minds. We need to value life and teach that same value to the younger generations.

We need to respect the opinions of others, even when they don't align with ours. That's what the United States of America is all about. 

We need to teach our youth to value themselves, teach them that they are important. And we need to treat them as persons of great worth.

We need to teach and remind our children how to manage their anger, how to treat others. We need to teach them how to walk away. We need to teach them how to succeed in this life, but just as important, we need to let them fail when they are little and then teach them how to jump up and try again.

We need to set better examples, not just in our own families, but to those around us. We need more humility.

We need to pay closer attention to those who seem "different".We need to be aware,  and act on promptings or hunches, not pretend they do not exist.  We need to watch for warning signals.

And we need to care about others and be aware of their lives. We need to pay attention.

We need to be careful about the imagery we invoke through our creative marketing efforts.

We need to choose our words carefully.

Maybe we do need to pack. Maybe not.

We need to think about gun safety and availability. We have rights, but we also need common sense.

But in this terrible incident, there will be no sense. There can't be.

It's about a 9-year old girl. And her family. And all of the families affected by this tragedy.

Families who will never have dinner together again, because someone is missing. As Christina's father said, "We were four people and, now we're three."

We need to have dinner as families.

We have to stop the killing of innocent people. Of innocent children.

Soon our children will not feel safe outside of their homes. And this is our own doing. We can't blame the Muslims for this one.

This tragedy is about a 9-year old girl, and about our nation and whether we will divide amongst ourselves or unite for truth and freedom.

Yes, this tragedy was a random act of violence, a crazed man with a gun, but somewhere, sometime, maybe there was a moment when someone looked the other way, or didn't care, or lost interest. Somewhere, sometime, maybe something was missed that could have prevented this loss of lives. Maybe not. But I would rather err on the side of doing more, than doing less.

Maybe the world is going to end soon, maybe not. If my friend's observation of so long ago is based in truth, I don't know how He's held out this long. I know I couldn't. Too many innocent children are being hurt through abuse, war, slavery, and incidents like the Tucson massacre.

Innocent children. Probably with more common sense then many adults have.

We need to listen more. We need to love more. We need to be more childlike, not childish. Teachable. Eager to contribute. Happy, like Christina Taylor Green, who often would say to her mother, Roxanne Green, "We are so blessed. We have the best life." And we need to get past the sorrow and anger of today, and work for a more unified tomorrow.

We need to use common sense. And keep target practice on the range.

May they rest in peace. And may their families find peace.

And may we all find peace in this chaotic world.

Does It Rest Well on My Heart?

I never bought a WWJD bracelet.

However, I did ask myself the question on occasion.WWJD? What WOULD Jesus Do?

But in the past few days I have been exposed to two variations of the 90's message bracelet, both communicated with words. No metal involved at all.

Today Siobhan Magnus, the most recent cast off from American Idol said the following: "I do what I do because it rests well on my heart and it is who I am."

ME: How lucky that at her age she knows who she is. And to make choices based on how they rest on your heart...what a perfect concept. I want to live my life making every decision with the qualifying requisite that it rests well on my heart. I wish I had done this my entire life. However I am not going to make a DIRWOMH bracelet.

And earlier this week, I was reading a profile on FaceBook and read the following (slightly edited to protect the privacy of the author) with my thoughts immediately beneath each quoted paragraph:

HER: "Favorite things to do and things that are interesting to me: Hanging out with my awesome family, U.S., Roman, Greek and Egyptian history, politics, public policy, pointing out -- and being annoyed by -- hypocrisy and bad behavior in the political classes regardless of party affiliation, trying to make every days' decisions in a way that will glorify God. I would travel every week if I could."

ME: Wow. I wish that was my profile. I want to be like that! I wish that was how I thought of myself, and how others knew me. I love hanging out with my awesome family, and I love history (although I haven't taken the time to study it in my adult life), and I am increasingly annoyed by hypocrisy and bad behavior in politics, whether it be a candidate, elected official, political party or pundit, or over-the-top grassroots groups. And more than anything I wish I was making my decisions in a way that will glorify God...I need to remember him more. And I would definitely travel every week if I could, and often do.


HER: "I come from a close family - pretty much all of them (except my Mom) still live in Massachusetts and I miss them every single day."

ME: I have a close family - and although most of them live in Utah, in recent years we have been spread throughout the nation. I miss them every single day.

HER: "My best friend is Kelly, and my aunt, who's 92, is still one of the most fun people on the planet. I am adopted, and have a great relationship with my birthmom and siblings who I met 12 years ago."

ME: My best friend is Dee, and all three of my daughters, the four most fun people on the planet. My Mom was adopted and I am beginning a relationship with her birth-relatives through FaceBook and hope to meet some of them someday.

HER: "I have two kids, two cats, one great husband and a lot of deer to eat my plants. I love my work so much that it is my hobby too."

ME: I have six kids, eight grandkids, a borrowed dog, a husband living in another state and lots of out-of-control plants in my backyard that desperately need deer to eat them. I love my work and the associations it allows so much that it is my hobby too.

HER: "I am an unapologetic conservative, but not a fan of political mockery, so I don't put photos of Obama on my website where he looks like the Joker, or has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. This is difficult as I believe that Obamafear transcends traditional politics and this is the first time ever that I have been truly afraid for my country, or what will be left of it when he's done."

ME: I am an unapologetic conservative, but not a fan of political mockery, so I don't put photos of Obama on my website where he looks like the Joker, or has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. This is difficult as I believe that Obamafear transcends traditional politics and this is the first time ever that I have been truly afraid for my country, or what will be left of it when he's done.

HER: "I used to be wretchedly selfish and made lots of really stupid decisions until one day when my friend Pam brought me to Bent Tree Bible Church in Plano, Texas and Jesus leaped into my heart, nearly knocking me over in the process. (Literally) Previously a disillusioned Catholic, I was "born again" - a term I previously mocked - and I have never looked back. I believe with all my heart that His death provided me with eternal life, that He walks beside me every where I go, and am grateful that He accepts me the way I am, sins and human failings included."

ME: I consider myself at times to be wretchedly selfish and prone to really stupid decisions, in spite of my 'conversion'  26 years ago. I don't remember Jesus leaping into my heart, but I do remember reading the scriptures on my couch in the little apartment in San Bernardino, CA and feeling a warmth through my body as I FELT the truth of the gospel in my soul.  I believe with all my heart that His life and death provided me with the opportunity of eternal life if I live appropriately. I want to believe that He walks beside me every where I go, but I don't think I invite him along as often as I should, and I am inadequately grateful that He accepts me the way I am, sins and human failings included.

HER: "I am now a proud member of McLean Bible Church, and cheat pretty much every day on prayer, as I feel closer to God through music and song than anything else."

ME: I am now a quiet and faithful member of my church, but not as outwardly active as is politically correct and expected, and admittedly not as diligent as I could be,  and I cheat pretty much every day on normal, accepted prayer, as I am only able to concentrate on my thoughts and supplications when just about anywhere but kneeling beside my bed. I think this can be traced back to being a young mom at the side of her bed with children knocking on the door or bursting in. I wasn't the type who could just continue praying (which would have been the perfect lesson through example), so my prayers often ended before they really began. 

HER: "Every day I wake up and wonder if I can find a way to tell the men and women of our Armed Forces that I love each and every one of them, and I keep them in my musical prayers every day."

ME: Every day I wake up and wonder if I can find a way to tell the men and women of our Armed Forces and the missionaries in the field that I love each and every one of them, and I keep them in my thoughts and prayers every day.

HER: "I am delighted at the kind, funny, delightful woman my daughter has turned out to be and amazed at the deep faith and patriotism that lives in my son's heart."

ME: I am beyond delighted at the kind, funny, enjoyable and authentic persons my children have turned out to be and amazed at the depth of conviction each has to their own principles.

HER: "Somedays I still want to kick the cat or slam the door, but mostly, I'm just grateful."

ME: Ditto. Even if it doesn't rest well on my heart.


Bottom line: Two women I didn't even know have made a huge impact on my life by their example and their words. Someday I will tell them.

And when I do, that will rest well on my heart.

All My Children

Erica, Erica, Erica.

That's what my Mimi used to say every day.

No, none of us had the nickname Erica. She called my Mom by her given name "Marilyn", she called me "Jeannie", she called my sister "Melanie", and she called my brother "Jamie". None of us were Erica.

There was only one Erica in my Mimi's life, and she was a large part of it for decades. Erica, on the soap opera "All My Children" - a show she watched every weekday of her life from the first showing so very long ago. Much of that time was sitting in her living room on Pell Street in Paxton, Illinois, and watching a small black and white box with rabbit ears on top.

Once she came to live with us, after my Boppie's death when I was 13, Mimi and Mom (Marilyn) made it a daily ritual to settle onto those gold crushed velvet couches and watch Erica and her extended family and friends in living color on our console TV.

Erica lives on, literally. She is older than me (young, really) and is sharing a bed with men 30 years her junior as if that is normal. How do I know this?

I work from home. And I start the morning with a cup of tea and Good Morning America...or the Today Show...or some local news channel. And....

Sometimes the TV stays on after the morning news, Reg and Kelly, The View, etc...and guess what follows - even though the sound is almost always muted - yep - All My Children.

Personally, as opposed as I am to soap opera's, and 60 year old women climbing into bed with 30 year old men, I think a dose of All My Children might be good for all my children. It would make our "family drama" seem like a piece of cake.

It didn't really take a soap opera to realize how fortunate I am, and we all are, in spite of the drama and anger and hurt and mistakes and healing that has gone on in the past 20 years or so, it just took time and a historical perspective and a more realistic view of all the so-called perfect families around us.

So, with everything in perspective, I am grateful for our relatively sane and normal and functional family, and for all my children. In the end, we love each other, in spite of each other. And we love others. We are kind and we aren't hateful. We are good people.

And just like Erica (without the sex scenes), we are gonna keep on keepin', and we are family, no matter what other people think, no matter how tough things get, and no matter what drama enters and then exits our lives.
Thank you, Mimi.

The Holidays are in the Air

I don't know if it is simply a case of seasons changing, or if there is something in my DNA that recognizes this time of year and reacts with a renewed excitement about life. Either way, for the past few weeks I have been breathing heavily of what I consider "holiday air".

It's somethingthat is crisper, cleaner, more hopeful. I can't really define it but it is something I experienced and felt from my earliest childhood, and it comes back to me every year about this time. I can smell the holidays as they get closer and closer.

Today I was looking for "all things nine", a work-related project that had me bouncing here and there on Google. Evidently the internet detectives not only peek in at your email to find out your personal interests and issues, and they do more than just record your online searches; they must also have some way of sensing your moods, your emotions, and maybe even sniffing the air you are breathing.

I know this because as I was searching for "all things nine" when this page popped up on my screen as the result of a search engine, and my early excitement for the upcoming holidays was instantly magnified 12-fold.

Although the doctrine veers slightly from what I believe, the basic principles are the same; with the exception a statement of belief in the Catholic Church in the last description (which I personally can't declare) this is a beautiful explanation of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Personalize the last description, or the Apostle's Creed to your own beliefs, substituting your relationship with Heavenly Father in place of a belief in the Catholic Church and it applies to anyone who believes in Christ.

Normally I put Christmas out of my mind (forcefully) until after Thanksgiving Day, but this year I am welcoming it with open arms and a festive spirit. Take a look - I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

So, bring on the holidays! Gather the family, light the candles, sing the carols, wrap the presents, stir the fire, deck the halls with boughs of holly, decorate the tree, serve the hot chocolate, make the spiced cider, dance with the gingerbread man, hang the mistletoe, kiss Santa or one of his helpers, bake the cookies, go caroling, shop 'til you drop, hang the wreath, wrap the garland, string the popcorn, write a letter to Santa, take a sleigh ride, play in the snow, wear lots of red and green, hang bells on your doorknobs, fill bowls with cinnamon scented pinecones, poke oranges with cloves, boil holiday pot pourri, help out someone less fortunate, plan an open house, see The Nutcracker, listen to a Messiah CD, play Mannheim Steamroller night and day, sing along with the radio in your car, hug everyone, visit friends and relatives, mail the Christmas cards, sit on Santa's lap, make your list and check it twice, live joyfully, take fudge to your neighbors, celebrate the season, remember what it's all about (and it ain't the hokie pokie), put Christ back into Christmas, respect those who don't believe, send a package to someone serving in the military, go to church, stock up on Martinelli's and other bubblies, buy the turkey, candy the yams, mold the jello, smell those biscuits, bake the pies, lift the eggnog in a thankful toast, and be merry!

We celebrate the birth of an innocent child who became the Savior of the World. And it's joyous season that brings out the child in all of us. Maybe that's why I love it so much.

It's almost Christmas, I can smell it in the air.

Straight No Chaser "Twelve Days of Christmas"

It's Time to Get Serious

It's time to get serious about....

FREEDOM - are we taking our freedoms so much for granted that we no longer even pay attention when their very existence is threatened? And not by terrorists, but by our own government?

MORAL JUDGEMENT and HONORABLE PRINCIPLES - are we lowering the bar for our children and grandchildren by lowering the bar for our standard of acceptance when it comes to elected officials, church leaders, community organizers? are we electing and approving poor role models for them to follow?

FINANCIAL SECURITY - are we trusting our future to someone who really isn't looking after our best interest first, after all, handling our money is how they earn their money. Sure, good management of investments is their job security but their bottom line remains their own.

FAMILY TIME - are we spending so much time making sure our kids can keep up with the neighbor kids through lessons, sports, activities, extracurricular events, tutoring and other things that take them away from home that they are not even familiar with what a HOME should be?

CHILDREARING - are we turning the responsibility of teaching and raising our children over to day care centers?

HOUSEHOLD BUDGETS - are we working so hard to balance the family budget that there isn't a family left? With both parents in the workforce, are our children losing any real sense of family and home to the necessity of a double income to buy wants not needs?

PHYSICAL CONDITION - are we eating while we work and working so many hours that we never have time to move, to exercise, to take care of our bodies? Are we sleeping enough?

SPIRITUALITY - are we taking time to say thank you, to reflect on the blessings of each day, to remember the miracles in our life? Ere we left our rooms this morning, did we think to pray? are we feeding our spirits as often as we feed our bodies?

RECREATION - are we giving ourselves time to rejuvenate? are we taking time to smell the flowers? has Calgon taken us away recently?

ENVIRONMENT - are we listening to the concerns about waste and pollution? are we recognizing that although some may take this issue too far, it is a reality we can improve? are we buying smarter, thinking green where it makes sense, disposing of garbage appropriately and recycling when we can? are we littering or do we stop to find a trash can?

MENTAL and EMOTIONAL HEALTH - are we looking for opportunities to relieve ourselves of stress? are we strengthening relationships by investing time in them? do we have date nights? do we listen? do we talk? do we find alone time? do we take vacations, if only for a one day road trip? do we let the house go for a day and do something fun instead?

THE SIMPLE LIFE - are we making choices to simply our lives? are we choosing the less damaging paths? are we seeking calm away from the chaos that has become a norm for so many?

BALANCE - are we working to balance the three-legged stool? are we finding time to serve others, to serve God and to serve ourselves? do we make time for church, work and family? can we find time for solitude, for family time, for community work?

So many areas of my life need improvement and I am working on them even now. It's too late to completely fix some of them but I am serious about changing what I still can.

I am sure I missed something, but this is a pretty good start, dontcha think?

I don't know about you but for me it's time to live life to its fullest. This list will help...

Live Your Life "T.I (feat.) Rihanna"

Sunday Rumblings (as opposed to ramblings)

I dusted off my silver-edged scriptures this morning and gave them the start of a good run through (at least the first 20 pages or so). It's amazing how life can bring you full circle if you let it. Even when we are a little off course, there are signs and indicators all along the path showing us the way back to where we should be, to say nothing of the persistent whispers in the back of our heads.

Without becoming preachy or pretending to be a theologian, and while also admitting to a current life of self-described spirituality and faith but not overly active at any church...I simply want to say that I admire folks who are devout within their own beliefs and tolerant of others who see things differently. I am not suggesting that I want anyone to be tolerant of me; I am more hoping that we will all be more tolerant of everyone.

As I was reading earlier today, it dawned on me that there are many parallels between the trek to a new world and the many treks I have taken in my life.

More often than I want to admit, when others were looking at me as if I was completely nuts, I would pull up roots and head off to a new experience; causing upheaval to my children and inflicting all kinds of extra expenses on my already limited budget. I am still playing catch up today for all the moves and those related expenses that were incurred each time we pulled up stakes.

These moves were not something I planned, anymore than I ever planned to be a single mother of six, but they happened as a result of circumstances and choices (some which were mine, some which were not) and the reality of a life as a single mother with six children and very limited resources in time, money, support and energy. In fact, the people I thought I could count on the most, never bothered, but many that had no responsibility for me or my family whatsoever became my emotional support. It's because of them that I am here today.

As the years went by, I didn't always know why I was moving, but when I made a move it was always because I knew that I should. As I look back now, I can see turning points in my children's lives with each move, although tainted by the hardship of being the new kids (again) and wondering where we were ever going to land permanently, more often than not our moves pulled at least one of my children from harm's way.

And the few times that I did not follow those whispered promptings (when fatigue ruled and Evil won), and did not take necessary steps to change circumstances in our lives (it wasn't always a move that was needed), my children were sometimes hurt as a result.

Those are the moments I will cry over eternally, not the other moments in my life that may have been painful or downright wrong, but those times when my children were affected negatively because I simply ran out of time or energy are the moments that still keep me awake some nights. Those are the moments I have to answer for, not the petty mistakes, the uninformed decisions, the moments, days or weeks that I lacked clarity or made innocent mistakes.

I am eternally grateful for that someone who is so much greater than me (and you), who picked up my hurting child(ren)when I had failed to protect them fully, dusted them off and headed them back in the right direction; quietly, without pomp and circumstance, but with love and faith in who they were and who I was. He is the reason we are all here today.

So, in retrospect, I know that each move that I chose to make was for a reason. Only two moves in my entire life were moves I didn't want to make and would not have made had I not been overwhelmed by a threatening environment and unwarranted personal attacks. Those two moves are probably the two that were the hardest for me and for my children; in fact I believe the actions by others that lead up to those two moves affected us in ways that altered our lives not only in the short term, but for years to come and even still today and possibly eternally.

Every other move that we made was prompted by something I couldn't always identify or understand, but I knew it was real and it was important that I acted on those feelings and so I did; I followed the promptings and headed out again - with kids in tow.

And so we wandered into new territories, set up our home for as long as we were supposed to be there.There were risks, there were dangers; it was exhausting. There were those who whispered behind my back, there were those who outright denounced me, there were even those who predicted a dire future for me and my children based on my actions...but in the end, when all is said and done, my children, my life and my following of those whispered directions have prevailed.

I didn't follow the hidden whispers of men, I followed the quiet whispers of the spirit; I am extremely grateful for those whispers and moments of clarity (reached after much consideration and prayer), even if others didn't understand.

It takes a quiet faith to head off to uncharted waters against conventional wisdom and the whispered gossip of family and friends. Maybe it was because of those many, many "callings" in my young married life and the leadership positions that have always found me, that I was expected to be something I have never been, I don't know. I only know who I am and I can't be anything or anyone else.

What I also know is that I am not someone who is anxious to climb to the top of a tower and proclaim their beliefs loudly for all to hear. I will share them and whisper them, and try to live as an example of them, but I won't shout my beliefs, or force them, or deprive, degrade and denounce those who don't believe as I do. What I know too, is that a mother's intuition, and even a woman's intuition, is often spot on; and those flashes of intuition are also not typically something you shout from the rooftops.

I have never had a loud faith, mine has always been quiet; it was others who put me in the limelight and gave me responsibilities that would thrust me into the public eye. It was others who expected me to shout from a tower or share personal revelations or explain my actions to them and oddly, it was typically those who never called who had those expectations.

I don't criticize and I am not intolerant of others who believe differently than I do, I love them and accept them for who they are. Unless they present a certain threat to me or my family or the innocent's of this world, who am I to judge them? And more often than not, they are great people.But if they treat my children unfairly, or exercise unrighteous dominion, or act as if they and theirs are better - than watch out.

I have no tolerance for egos, self-righteousness, or judgmental gossip and when it affects me or my children you WILL see me climb up the tower if that's what's necessary to right a wrong. I am not excited when and if that happens, I don't enjoy it and I don't wish for it, but I can climb and shout if called upon.

I am happy in my quiet faith. I have trusted it my entire life and I still do.

There are many who have taken advantage of me over the years, many who feel they know what I am all about in spite of the fact that they never bothered to really get to know me, never even called to see how we were doing. I love them anyway and wish them the best; although there are wistful moments when I find myself wishing that they did know (and care) who I really was and am.

I am grateful to my handful of friends and family who have paused long enough and cared enough and had the patience to see beyond the rumors, the gossip, the assumptions, the judgments and taken the time to see the real me. These are the people who I can trust; these are the people who know me.

As I read the scriptures, I am reminded that the trek is not over - I have a long way to go, but at least I am on the right path. And "thus far" (as it says in the scriptures) I am obedient to those laws and principles which are eternal and universal, either by obedience or through forgiveness.

I am not perfect, there are a lot of things I can do better, or not do at all, which would help me to be more like I want to be, but I am a work in progress. And as long as I am progressing, I am heading in the right direction and I am excited about that.

And I am excited about my children. They are grown now, and they are the most amazing people I know, filled with love, compassion, tolerance, tenacity, ethics, honesty and kindness. And they are wonderful examples to me, I couldn't be more proud of them, every one of them - I don't think of one as better or less than another because of beliefs, employment, parenthood, companions, etc. - they are incredible human beings, singularly and collectively. I enjoy one-on-one time with each of them, but I love to see them together just as much - after all, they are just grown up little kids - my little kids.

At this point in my life, I am happy to say that I have no regrets except for any pain that my choices or actions may have caused for someone else.

My heart is full and as long as I am able, I plan to dance through life with joy in my heart and a smile on my face, and anyone that has the same desire is welcome to come along.

May the rumblings be with you...

Paul McCartney & WINGS "Live and Let Die"

Testosterone Dudes

Men. Ya can't live with 'em, ya can't live without 'em. After all, your life began because of a man (with the help of a woman), so the question becomes, will you spend/end your life with one. And also, who's in control, them or us?

There's no question that men are woven into the fabric of our daily lives, they are an important part of who we are, specifically, who I am. The significant men in my life have been a random cross-section of male personalities, traits and testosterone levels. Great men, good men, not so good men. In an act of self-preservation and an exercise of self-discovery (which I am bravely sharing with the world), I have been thinking about this male/female topic for some time now. Today I have chosen to review the most significant men in my life, beginning with my Dad...

My Dad. Joel Ray Baugh. Tall, skinny, creative, artistic, handsome, ever-searching, tolerant, curious, married to my Mom (Marilyn Jean Frederick) for nearly 50 years (until his death) but separated for almost half of that time, father of 3, dapper dresser, not religious as a result of his Dad and unresolved religious questions, never smoked, a journalist with a temper, unconvinced Christian.

My Grandpa Baugh. James Wesley Baugh. Huge -Texas rancher huge, uncommonly devout, photographic memory, intolerant, baritone, frisky (my grandma's word), never smoked or drank, southern through and through although transplanted to the southwest and California in his mid-30's, married to my Grandma (Zora Middlehouse) for over 70 years, father of 7, a devout Nazarene with a penchant for prayers long enough to run off two sincere LDS elders (mid-prayer).

My Boppy. Harold H. Frederick. Small, quiet, huge smile, dedicated to my Mimi (Jessie Eliza Parkins) and married to her until his death, birth father of one son who died at birth, adoptive father of 1 (my mother, Marilyn Jean Frederick), mid-western through and through, dapper dresser, always wore a hat, smoked a pipe, lifetime employee of Paxton, Illinois' one and only men's clothing store, community church member and regular attendee.

My Brother. James Frederick Baugh. Tall, skinny, handsome, creative, artistic, compassionate, tolerant, native Californian who was born, lived and died there, window designer for Saks and Nieman Marcus in Newport Beach, baptized a Mormon when he was 18, musician, artist, considered my kids as his own, adored, conflicted on his sexuality until he was an adult, died of AIDS in 1985 after being diagnosed just 6 months earlier.

My Uncles. Dad's three brothers. Wes, Glen, and Leo Baugh. Wild, rebellious, fun, with great belly laughs, one with red hair, one bald, one so handsome and successful he dated starlets, all married and divorced at least once, not religious because of their father's overly zealous religious demands, all fathers, some successful, some not, a butcher, a bartender and a rancher.

My Sons. Kurt, Kollin and Kyle Avarell. Three hard-working, spiritual and honorable young men who have made choices in life that will make them successful, comfortable in their own skins, and joyful. Two former LDS missionaries. They inspire me every day.

My Sons-In-Law. JR Jorgensen and (soon) Logan Washburn. Two hard-working, spiritual and honorable men who each chose one of my daughters to spend their lives with. I love them and appreciate them both.

My Grandsons. Daelan, Kiel and Jespen Jorgensen. These three young men inspire me daily with their zest for life, their energy, their enthusiasm. Just the thought of them makes me smile. Regular church goers, probably future missionaries.

My Friends and More. Wally Cook, kissed him on the bus in kindergarten which created quite a ruckus and required a note from the bus driver to my Mom concerning my behavior, my first lesson in love. John Barker, my Mom loved John because he had perfect table manners and knew how to correctly eat soup from a bowl by pulling the spoon toward you, rather than pushing it away from you; typical heart-throb guy, later played the guitar and sang in clubs; a real heart-breaker; lost him to a friend with a knock-out figure - my first lesson in the reality of male hormones aka testosterone; Grif Thomas, great friend from 4th grade on, quiet spirituality, musical, talented, smart, we dated quietly and randomly in high school/college, my first lesson in how NOT to win the guy, he married a great gal and I still keep in touch with Grif, Sue and their family. Charlie Goodspeed, long-term boyfriend through high school, spotted him at a Community Hall "concert" featuring a local band in the summer of 1969, reconnected at our high school football game the following year and dated him from 1969 until 1974, a brainiac with a penchant for technology before it even existed, tall, dark, handsome, devoted, in control, educated, doubting spirituality, first lesson in what kind of guy I wanted to end up with, he married a redhead named Jan and they are still happily living in northern California. Kory Avarell, the father of my children. Tall, handsome, white eyebrow, BMW's, funny as heck, played the guitar, talented, smart, served a Mormon mission in Guatemala, baptized me in Lake Arrowhead, shared the best years of my life (he had me at "hello"), together for over 20 years, married for nearly 18 years, divorced in 1993. He still makes me laugh. Roy Jespersen, a great friend since 1976, talented, handsome, educated, self-assured, smart, funny, creative, tolerant, in control, philanthropic, spiritual, father of 3, a huge influence in my life over the years and a great example of a successful marriage (with Anne) following devastating divorce, I consider Roy and Anne friends for life. Kim Belcher, the friend I shouldn't have married, and I (we?) knew it immediately (on our honeymoon) but still gave it a short, but too long, run. Hal Krisle, "the man I had been waiting for" was my immediate thought when I first saw Hal; tall, dark, handsome, devout Mormon, hard worker, opinionated, devoted, uber-patient in some things, not-so-patient in others, supportive, smart. Married in 1998, I will always love this man. Bill Hunt, my 25+ years friend, the husband of my best friend, Dee, and my boss for several years at Suncadia; a good man with a good heart, hard working, successful, in control, semi-tolerant, self-assured, father of 3, converted Mormon, charming, handsome, tall, smart, educated, a great mentor, I consider Bill and Dee friends for life. Neal Ackerly, the PhD that showed me more in a few years about some aspects of life than I had learned in the past twenty; in control, supportive, naively spiritual, karma-seeking, unassumingly charming, handsome, intelligent, redneck, tolerant, self-assured, archeologist, over-educated, father of one son, a friend for life. Miscellaneous, the many men who have befriended, counseled, chastised, educated, supported, loved, left, advised, played with, mourned with, celebrated with, and basically kept me going from birth to this day through quiet acts of kindness, moments of rare selflessness, road trip therapy or outright generosity, some from my youth, some from my young married life, some professional relationships, some from this more mature place in life, and even some newly formed friendships; former teachers, bishops, pastors, neighbors, co-workers, classmates, church leaders, professors, boyfriends, friends, and chance acquaintances.

So many different men, so many different personalities, so much influence on me. Funny. Smart. Tolerant. Educated. Spiritual or Religious. In control. These are the very few commonalities. Well, and testosterone, of course.

Interesting: Funny. Smart. Tolerant. Educated. Spiritual. In control. Hmmm.

I love the male species. I have learned much from this bunch of testosterone dudes and I am grateful for every one of them. However, I have to admit that I love some a lot more than others. There's a reason we are supposed to partner and live our lives "two by two", and it's simple - we like testosterone, and they simply can't live without us!

The male species. Ya can't live with 'em, ya can't live without 'em. How to sum this up? As I said in an earlier post: It's a zoo out there! The animals are going wild. The testosterone is raging. The dudes have come out to play; some are hiding behind hormone-supported walls, but most are charmingly boyish behind that aloof yet commanding veneer.

So wait, who's in control?

I honestly don't know, but I do know this: If it's a man, I hope he has a loyal (and patient) woman by his side to help along the way!

Village People "YMCA"

No Regrets

I remember the first time I received a "real" regrets RSVP. It was one word, short and simple, to the point, no excuses made, no explanations offered. It was signed by the person sending the note and simply read: REGRETS.

I think life is kind of that way too, our regrets should be made by us, personally, not someone else, and they should be real, simple, without excuse and more often than not, without explanation.

I regret not attending many events in my life, some I didn't even remember to send an RSVP, some I simply forgot about, some I didn't know until the last minute whether or not I would be available. In most cases, I would have loved to have been there. So REGRETS is the perfect response. I regret that I couldn't have been there.

I regret some choices I have made, some moments when I lacked patience, some actions I took, and some actions I did not take. I was once told that we need to not look back at our 'regrets' and beat ourselves up for things we wish we had done differently, because in reality unless we are truly a bad person, at the moment we made that choice or took that action, we were making the best decision and doing the best that we could within the reality and circumstances of that moment and time in our life.

I think for the most part that is correct. I am human and I can think of a few choices and actions that I have taken along the way that I was very conscious of and pretty darn ignorant of the warning signals that I should have been paying attention to. But then again, maybe that was because of my emotional state at the time, which brings me right back to doing the best we could at that moment in those circumstances.

I think if I have any regrets they would be for any action or choice that I made that affected my children in a negative way, or someone else's children and family in a negative way. In retrospect, that means I should probably be doubled over in regret. However, doubled over or not, even the choices that I have made in the past (that I might question now) have had mixed results. I know that I was prayerful and contemplative in most decisions. I also know that I could have been more prayerful and contempative. I know that I can be spontaneous and knee-jerk at times too, but I have always felt that even those quick decisions were prompted by an urgent prompting - whether by mother's instincts, karma, the Holy Ghost, or simply that nagging feeling you sometimes get in your gut. I have made very few major decisions in my life that have not been contemplated and reviewed and tossed out at least once before finally settled upon. Have I made mistakes? Absolutely. Some huge mistakes, lots of small ones. I hope I have learned from them.

I have, for the most part, followed my gut, my heart and those quiet whisperings. It's easy to look back and second guess myself when I realize the struggles my choices caused, but then again, how often do we feel prompted to take a certain (maybe longer) route while driving, or not go on a much anticipated trip, or not do something without any understanding of 'why'? - but we listen and we follow the prompting and feel a certain peace that possibly we avoided some unknown hurdle or bump in life. And we never really know what, or why. We can't regret those decisions, those detours, or those changes in life plans. We simply have to follow our heart, our gut and those quiet whisperings.

I know this. I don't regret love. And I don't regret loving anyone that I have in my life, even if things didn't turn out as I had hoped, and too often they didn't.

And I don't regret having children, six of them in fact, seven including Katrina. I don't regret anything about being a Mom. Sometimes it was a struggle that required energy, patience, money and time that I didn't have as a single, or divorced, or dating and working Mom, but it was worth it. If I have any real regret, it is that I didn't or couldn't spend more time with my children when they were young. I was busy serving on the school board, serving in the church, decorating houses, shopping, juggling money, dating, and making a living and then later, trying to replace their Dad - not for them, but for me. I remember each of my children clearly as young toddlers, from Karynn to Kalen, and some days I wish I could just wrap those innocent babes in my arms and hug them tight. I know I did, a lot, but I wish I could do it all over again. That is my one regret. There wasn't enough time.

But I don't regret the personal sacrifices I have made along life's path, they have brought blessings and joy beyond description.

And I don't regret my gypsy-nature which has filled my life with experiences I will never forget. This craziness has taken me down roads and highways I might never have seen and introduced me to people I might never have met. It has also caused upheaval in my children's lives at times, but also given them experiences that they would not have had any other way. The ying and the yang of life. We can't always know why things happen.

I don't regret my LDS conversion and raising my children within the church. I am very proud of both. I don't regret giving them their free agency to make choices along the way. I may regret not being a better example to them at times, but I have done the best that I could considering the circumstances I have been in, and today I am at peace with who I am for the first time in decades. I love the church. I love my children. I love me. I love my own brand of spirituality. I am OK, and I think my kids are too - each one in their own place in life, with their own challenges and triumphs and spiritual touch stones.

I don't regret much, but not regretting does not rule out the possibility of hope. I hope for many things.

I hope for joy for my children, and their children... I hope they will make correct choices. I hope they will listen to their gut, to their heart, to those quiet whispers. I hope they will pay attention to what's important. I hope they will learn from my mistakes and not have to personally experience some difficult things that I have experienced as a result of my poor decisions. I hope they will work to make their marriages strong and spend lots of wonderful, fun time with their children. I hope they will make good financial decisions with their partners. I hope they will be patient and understanding when their kids make choices that might not be exactly as hoped for. I hope they will love unconditionally. I hope they will know how to forgive, and do so - without regret, without hesitation, without conditions.

I hope for more laughter in my life. I hope for continued love in my life. I hope for health and peace and love, and less pain and intolerance and prejudice and anger and war and illness in the world.

I hope for things that are good. "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things." (Articles of Faith)

Life is too short for regrets. We make mistakes, and we learn from them, correct where we can, apologize when possible, forgive always, and move on. If not, we cling to something that is not positive and waste precious hours, days and years, and tons of energy that could have been used for good.

Life is not too short for hope. Hope is what often gets us through the tough times. Hope is not being naive or having blind faith in something unknown. Hope has its roots in a reverence for the human spirit and the goodness of mankind, combined with the natural and eternal laws that affect our every moment, and the benevolance of God.

This life has little room for negativity. Negativity will suck the life out of us.

Hope breathes new life into sorrow and despair. Hope gives us a reason to go on when we can't even see where we are going.

This life is a learning experience. This is a testing ground. This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is real. This is our shot. This is life.

And, there will be a final exam, a day of reckoning, a come-uppance, a moment of perfect clarity and recollection, the day we will know who we really are because of what we have really done and been. No rose-colored glasses, no feigned ignorance, no rationalization, no hiding.

REGRETS...on that day, at that moment?

I think not. We will all have our day in court, so to speak, whether it be through an honest introspective self-evaluation or eye-to-eye with someone much greater than ourselves.

So: Live well. Laugh often. Love much.

Without regret. With hope.

Hope springs eternal.

And eternity is not a place for regrets, it is a place of joy.

I am filled with joy and contentment. I hope for an eternity filled with love and laughter, family and friends.

Regrets? I don't think so. I can't go there, I simply don't have time. So...

REGRETS. ~me

“There is nothing more real than a man’s character and values. The track record of what he has actually done is far more real than anything he says, however elegantly he says it.” —Thomas Sowell

Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying"

Growing Pains

At almost 55, I am no longer experiencing growing pains of the normal type. My body is no longer stretching to its full height, with bones creaking in the process.

No, the growing pains I am experiencing are different. My kids have grown up and I am in pain! It's a duplicitous pain, one moment it's the feeling of loss because I am now OFFICIALLY an empty nester, but the other moment it's a feeling of joy, because I am now OFFICIALLY an empty nester. It's exhausting, this back and forth stuff. Pain builds character, but this is ridiculous!

Kalen, my youngest, rented her first apartment today. She will be sharing a 3 bedroom, 1 bath duplex with 2 other girls, one of them from Brazil! I am so excited for her!

She is already planning her decorating style, buying kitchen supplies and arranging her furniture in her mind. Tomorrow she moves in.

Tomorrow I am officially without children at home. After 32 years...

Oh no!

Oh yes!

Oh my!

Oh dear! I am not sure what I will do with myself...but something tells me I will figure it out, after all, my kids did.

They grew up. They figured it out. They built their own nests.

I have one too. I have an empty nest.

Ow...I mean, wow!

Yellowcard "Empty Apartment"