Treading Water

When I was a young girl, my sister Melanie was like a fish in water. She not only tanned beautifully, she swam beautifully. She was the quintessential Southern California beach babe.

I, on the other hand, was a redheaded, fair-skinned treader. I was very, very good at treading water.

When we were in grade school, our parents kept our bathing suits and beach towels in the trunk of our car. This may seem a bit odd, but in Southern California in the 60s, not everyone had a pool in their backyard and we were a member of the pool-less club.

Often, we would head out to see friends on hot summer days, especially on Sunday afternoons following church. We would be sweating against the plastic covered back seats, wishing for a/c (something else not everyone had, and we again were part of the a/c-less crowd) until we parked at the curb in front of a friend's home and jumped out of the car. And then we would hope....!

Hope was everything on those hot days to two Southern California girls.

We were never allowed to ask our parents' friends if we could swim, even if their kids were in the pool. Even if we were sweating rivulets. Even if HOPE was beaming from our silently begging eyes. And even if Marco Polo (our favorite game) was underway.

My parents made it clear that asking was rude; so we waited, mutely counting the passing minutes of lost swim time until finally someone would comment that it was too bad we hadn't brought our suits. But wait! Weren't our suits ALWAYS in the trunk of our car? Yes!! (My mother was brilliant!)

And off we would go, my sister and me, quick-change artists diving into a deep, cool swimming pool without a moment's hesitation. One tan, one white, both thrilled to be swimming - or treading - again.

Life isn't much different than swimming. Some of us easily swim along with the flow, some choose to make it more difficult and swim upstream, some are show-offs and love to cannon ball through life, some of us never really learn to swim at all (my grandma Mimi never learned to swim, she wouldn't even fill her bath more than 2" deep for fear she would drown), and sadly, some of us do drown; then there are those of us who end up treading water when we least expect it, no matter how many swim lessons or life lessons we've experienced.

Treading is not my chosen way of life, it just happened. Swim lessons began when I was 5, and I loved them and always passed; I even certified as a Junior Lifeguard (Melanie, of course, was a full-fledged Lifeguard). The point is, I have always enjoyed swimming, but I often prefer to just tread water and watch everyone else frolic around, making mental notes as I wait to join in the fun at the right moment, or in the right game, or with the right partner.

Similarly, downtime following the loss of a job has its moments, and I've certainly made the best of them, but surrounding those fun-filled moments of travel and leisure are large pools of empty time that must be endured. So here I am, treading again, only this time I'm treading time, not water. Still watching, still making mental notes. Just waiting to jump in at the right moment, or with the right company, or for the right job.

Treading definitely has its benefits. It allows a person to save their energy, plan their strategy, breathe evenly, enjoy the view, think clearly, strengthen their talents, assess their assets (and maybe some others), and bide their time, all the while staying involved from a safe distance on the sidelines - observing quietly, considering the next move. Treading has been good for me.

Soon, as always happened in the pool, someone or something will come along and force me to take a deep breath and duck under the water with a quick push off the side, or break into a still-not-perfect crawl stroke to carry me to the other end of the pool.  In any case, I will love the rush, the thrill of change, the soothing satisfaction of knowing that, as nice as treading has been,  I can - and will - do whatever it takes to get wherever I need to be. All with appropriate exceptions, just as my parents taught me so long ago - I won't be rude, or mean, or dishonest, or unethical.

I may regret that I was never really a fish in water, but I am ever grateful that in my life I've never felt like a fish out-of-water. Even now, between jobs, between homes....I'm in a good place and treading easily.

I think I'm almost ready; I may need a little more treading time before I finally drop to the bottom, bend my legs, pump my arms and push off, but I'm close. I love that moment when I burst upwards and break through the surface with a smile on my freckled (and now wrinkled) lily-white face. I love it when life finally makes sense again, after a period of tread-ful wondering.

It feels triumphant. It feels joyous. It feels new, and life-giving, and right. It's rejuvenating. I can hardly wait!

Those are the moments we live for, we work for, we strive for, but treading is part of the plan. After all, isn't much of life spent "treading water" as we wait for those exceptional ah-ha moments of clarity, of love, and of success? What would we do in between, if not for treading? Treading keeps us honest. It keeps us busy. It keeps us out of trouble. Sometimes it saves our life.

Treading - patiently waiting, planning, pondering - has a place in our lives, even if we think we are ready to jump.  So tread on....I know I will, because as I said above, "I am very, very good at treading water."

As for Melanie, she's still tall and tan....and a swimmer, but oddly after decades of summers apart, we are finding ourselves in the same pool again. Unemployed and treading. But not for long...

Hey Melanie?

Marco....!

Joy to the World

If men are, that they might have joy...

...then Joy to the World should be a year-round favorite song!

Actually, it is...did you know that Joy to the World  not originally written as a Christmas Carol?

It was written in 1719 by Isaac Watts to herald the coming of Christ as a resurrected Savior of the world, not as a babe in a manger. And yet, it has become one of the most loved and performed Christmas Carols of our time. I love this song!

I remember singing it at the 1st Lutheran Church in Upland, California. I also remember singing it at the Lutheran Church of the Cross in Upland, California. My Mom played the organ in both of these churches and I remember her adding so much life to the song - it was fun to sing and a celebration in music as she led us all  through her amazing talent.

I remember singing this song in Rim Forest and Lake Arrowhead, at the Lake Arrowhead Ward meetings first held in the transformed mechanics shop on the Rim and then in the beautiful new chapel on the north shore.

I remember singing it with my family when we caroled through our neighborhood in Salt Lake City. I remember singing it as a youth on the back of a sleigh bundled in blankets and snuggled with friends for warmth.

I remember singing in Yucaipa, CA and Cle Elum, Washington. And now I will sing it in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

But mostly, I remember my Mom playing this on our piano at home, every year. I miss her and I love this song.

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!

Let earth receive her King;

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven and nature sing,

And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

 

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ;

While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat the sounding joy,

Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders of His love,

And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Since we are, that we might have joy - this song should be our alma mater, all year round.

But for now, just en - joy the season!

Mannheim Steamroller "Joy to the World"

Faith Hill "Joy to the World"

The Holidays are in the Air

I don't know if it is simply a case of seasons changing, or if there is something in my DNA that recognizes this time of year and reacts with a renewed excitement about life. Either way, for the past few weeks I have been breathing heavily of what I consider "holiday air".

It's somethingthat is crisper, cleaner, more hopeful. I can't really define it but it is something I experienced and felt from my earliest childhood, and it comes back to me every year about this time. I can smell the holidays as they get closer and closer.

Today I was looking for "all things nine", a work-related project that had me bouncing here and there on Google. Evidently the internet detectives not only peek in at your email to find out your personal interests and issues, and they do more than just record your online searches; they must also have some way of sensing your moods, your emotions, and maybe even sniffing the air you are breathing.

I know this because as I was searching for "all things nine" when this page popped up on my screen as the result of a search engine, and my early excitement for the upcoming holidays was instantly magnified 12-fold.

Although the doctrine veers slightly from what I believe, the basic principles are the same; with the exception a statement of belief in the Catholic Church in the last description (which I personally can't declare) this is a beautiful explanation of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Personalize the last description, or the Apostle's Creed to your own beliefs, substituting your relationship with Heavenly Father in place of a belief in the Catholic Church and it applies to anyone who believes in Christ.

Normally I put Christmas out of my mind (forcefully) until after Thanksgiving Day, but this year I am welcoming it with open arms and a festive spirit. Take a look - I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

So, bring on the holidays! Gather the family, light the candles, sing the carols, wrap the presents, stir the fire, deck the halls with boughs of holly, decorate the tree, serve the hot chocolate, make the spiced cider, dance with the gingerbread man, hang the mistletoe, kiss Santa or one of his helpers, bake the cookies, go caroling, shop 'til you drop, hang the wreath, wrap the garland, string the popcorn, write a letter to Santa, take a sleigh ride, play in the snow, wear lots of red and green, hang bells on your doorknobs, fill bowls with cinnamon scented pinecones, poke oranges with cloves, boil holiday pot pourri, help out someone less fortunate, plan an open house, see The Nutcracker, listen to a Messiah CD, play Mannheim Steamroller night and day, sing along with the radio in your car, hug everyone, visit friends and relatives, mail the Christmas cards, sit on Santa's lap, make your list and check it twice, live joyfully, take fudge to your neighbors, celebrate the season, remember what it's all about (and it ain't the hokie pokie), put Christ back into Christmas, respect those who don't believe, send a package to someone serving in the military, go to church, stock up on Martinelli's and other bubblies, buy the turkey, candy the yams, mold the jello, smell those biscuits, bake the pies, lift the eggnog in a thankful toast, and be merry!

We celebrate the birth of an innocent child who became the Savior of the World. And it's joyous season that brings out the child in all of us. Maybe that's why I love it so much.

It's almost Christmas, I can smell it in the air.

Straight No Chaser "Twelve Days of Christmas"

The Little Things

This morning I woke from a restful night's sleep (still wrapped in the warmth of my favorite quilt) to the gentle drumming of rain. Rain! I love the weather in New Mexico, but rain is not something we see a lot of, so this morning's rain was a welcome sound...and smell... and sight.

After making my bed, I shuffled my way across the room to dig through my closet for my favorite fuzzy slippers - the first time I have needed them since early 2009 - then tugged my favorite sweatshirt over my pj's and continued with a now-quicker shuffle over shiny hardwood floors and through my morning routine and into my cozy little kitchen.

A quick turn of the knob and a gas-induced flame danced from the burner of my not-so-new stove. I slid the bright red teapot over the flame and bustled around like a 1950's housewife.

After carefully slicing a bagel, I popped it into the toaster and took three steps to the left to open the refrigerator and grab two fresh eggs.

As I grabbed the nonstick frying pan, the teapot began its morning whistle and I poured steaming hot water over a ginger lemon tea bag in my Las Vegas Starbucks mug (a gift from my friend, Dee). Only a few minutes later the toasted raisin bagels popped up and I spread a thin layer of cream cheese across both while watching the hot frying pan.

Perfect eggs (fried in a dab of butter with a sprinkle of fresh garlic and green onions), a cream cheese raisin bagel, hot ginger tea, warm slippers, a comfy sweatshirt and the patter of rain.

Life doesn't get much simpler, or much better than that.

I guess maybe I would have loved being a 1950's housewife, but at least I am finally getting to do some of the little things I have never had a chance to just do and enjoy for their simplicity - the simple, little things that make me happy. The only thing that would make it better is someone to share it with. Family - a not-so-little thing.

In the end, that is what  matters - the natural things, the god-given things, the simple things. We spend so much of our lives working for things that really don't matter - fame, riches, excitement. Wouldn't it be something if the human race figured out that all those things can and should be found in the warmth of your own home, with your loved ones? It could be so simple, but we make it so hard.

Today I am especially thankful for the little things, and the not so little things. (the highlighted words are all of the simple things I enjoyed this morning, I plan to look for more simple joys all day today - maybe we all should!)

Good morning, world!

Cat Stevens "Morning Has Broken"

Warmth of the Sun

I am happy today.

I began my day in the peaceful warmth following study and meditation.

I walked in the warmth of the sun this morning.

I read the paper with the warmth of a mug cupped in my hands.

I worked in the warmth of my home all day.

I am looking forward to the warmth of my family this coming weekend.

I look to the future with a warm glow of hope for even better days.

I will end my day wrapped in the warmth of my favorite down quilt.

I will have the warmth of the sun within me tonight.

I am happy and warm today. I hope you are too.

Beach Boys "Warmth of the Sun"

No Regrets

I remember the first time I received a "real" regrets RSVP. It was one word, short and simple, to the point, no excuses made, no explanations offered. It was signed by the person sending the note and simply read: REGRETS.

I think life is kind of that way too, our regrets should be made by us, personally, not someone else, and they should be real, simple, without excuse and more often than not, without explanation.

I regret not attending many events in my life, some I didn't even remember to send an RSVP, some I simply forgot about, some I didn't know until the last minute whether or not I would be available. In most cases, I would have loved to have been there. So REGRETS is the perfect response. I regret that I couldn't have been there.

I regret some choices I have made, some moments when I lacked patience, some actions I took, and some actions I did not take. I was once told that we need to not look back at our 'regrets' and beat ourselves up for things we wish we had done differently, because in reality unless we are truly a bad person, at the moment we made that choice or took that action, we were making the best decision and doing the best that we could within the reality and circumstances of that moment and time in our life.

I think for the most part that is correct. I am human and I can think of a few choices and actions that I have taken along the way that I was very conscious of and pretty darn ignorant of the warning signals that I should have been paying attention to. But then again, maybe that was because of my emotional state at the time, which brings me right back to doing the best we could at that moment in those circumstances.

I think if I have any regrets they would be for any action or choice that I made that affected my children in a negative way, or someone else's children and family in a negative way. In retrospect, that means I should probably be doubled over in regret. However, doubled over or not, even the choices that I have made in the past (that I might question now) have had mixed results. I know that I was prayerful and contemplative in most decisions. I also know that I could have been more prayerful and contempative. I know that I can be spontaneous and knee-jerk at times too, but I have always felt that even those quick decisions were prompted by an urgent prompting - whether by mother's instincts, karma, the Holy Ghost, or simply that nagging feeling you sometimes get in your gut. I have made very few major decisions in my life that have not been contemplated and reviewed and tossed out at least once before finally settled upon. Have I made mistakes? Absolutely. Some huge mistakes, lots of small ones. I hope I have learned from them.

I have, for the most part, followed my gut, my heart and those quiet whisperings. It's easy to look back and second guess myself when I realize the struggles my choices caused, but then again, how often do we feel prompted to take a certain (maybe longer) route while driving, or not go on a much anticipated trip, or not do something without any understanding of 'why'? - but we listen and we follow the prompting and feel a certain peace that possibly we avoided some unknown hurdle or bump in life. And we never really know what, or why. We can't regret those decisions, those detours, or those changes in life plans. We simply have to follow our heart, our gut and those quiet whisperings.

I know this. I don't regret love. And I don't regret loving anyone that I have in my life, even if things didn't turn out as I had hoped, and too often they didn't.

And I don't regret having children, six of them in fact, seven including Katrina. I don't regret anything about being a Mom. Sometimes it was a struggle that required energy, patience, money and time that I didn't have as a single, or divorced, or dating and working Mom, but it was worth it. If I have any real regret, it is that I didn't or couldn't spend more time with my children when they were young. I was busy serving on the school board, serving in the church, decorating houses, shopping, juggling money, dating, and making a living and then later, trying to replace their Dad - not for them, but for me. I remember each of my children clearly as young toddlers, from Karynn to Kalen, and some days I wish I could just wrap those innocent babes in my arms and hug them tight. I know I did, a lot, but I wish I could do it all over again. That is my one regret. There wasn't enough time.

But I don't regret the personal sacrifices I have made along life's path, they have brought blessings and joy beyond description.

And I don't regret my gypsy-nature which has filled my life with experiences I will never forget. This craziness has taken me down roads and highways I might never have seen and introduced me to people I might never have met. It has also caused upheaval in my children's lives at times, but also given them experiences that they would not have had any other way. The ying and the yang of life. We can't always know why things happen.

I don't regret my LDS conversion and raising my children within the church. I am very proud of both. I don't regret giving them their free agency to make choices along the way. I may regret not being a better example to them at times, but I have done the best that I could considering the circumstances I have been in, and today I am at peace with who I am for the first time in decades. I love the church. I love my children. I love me. I love my own brand of spirituality. I am OK, and I think my kids are too - each one in their own place in life, with their own challenges and triumphs and spiritual touch stones.

I don't regret much, but not regretting does not rule out the possibility of hope. I hope for many things.

I hope for joy for my children, and their children... I hope they will make correct choices. I hope they will listen to their gut, to their heart, to those quiet whispers. I hope they will pay attention to what's important. I hope they will learn from my mistakes and not have to personally experience some difficult things that I have experienced as a result of my poor decisions. I hope they will work to make their marriages strong and spend lots of wonderful, fun time with their children. I hope they will make good financial decisions with their partners. I hope they will be patient and understanding when their kids make choices that might not be exactly as hoped for. I hope they will love unconditionally. I hope they will know how to forgive, and do so - without regret, without hesitation, without conditions.

I hope for more laughter in my life. I hope for continued love in my life. I hope for health and peace and love, and less pain and intolerance and prejudice and anger and war and illness in the world.

I hope for things that are good. "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things." (Articles of Faith)

Life is too short for regrets. We make mistakes, and we learn from them, correct where we can, apologize when possible, forgive always, and move on. If not, we cling to something that is not positive and waste precious hours, days and years, and tons of energy that could have been used for good.

Life is not too short for hope. Hope is what often gets us through the tough times. Hope is not being naive or having blind faith in something unknown. Hope has its roots in a reverence for the human spirit and the goodness of mankind, combined with the natural and eternal laws that affect our every moment, and the benevolance of God.

This life has little room for negativity. Negativity will suck the life out of us.

Hope breathes new life into sorrow and despair. Hope gives us a reason to go on when we can't even see where we are going.

This life is a learning experience. This is a testing ground. This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is real. This is our shot. This is life.

And, there will be a final exam, a day of reckoning, a come-uppance, a moment of perfect clarity and recollection, the day we will know who we really are because of what we have really done and been. No rose-colored glasses, no feigned ignorance, no rationalization, no hiding.

REGRETS...on that day, at that moment?

I think not. We will all have our day in court, so to speak, whether it be through an honest introspective self-evaluation or eye-to-eye with someone much greater than ourselves.

So: Live well. Laugh often. Love much.

Without regret. With hope.

Hope springs eternal.

And eternity is not a place for regrets, it is a place of joy.

I am filled with joy and contentment. I hope for an eternity filled with love and laughter, family and friends.

Regrets? I don't think so. I can't go there, I simply don't have time. So...

REGRETS. ~me

“There is nothing more real than a man’s character and values. The track record of what he has actually done is far more real than anything he says, however elegantly he says it.” —Thomas Sowell

Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying"