Life As I Know It

I'm one of those people that always thinks the best of others.  I trust. I hope. I believe. This isn't always good.

But, in spite of my inclination to be positive, there are days when it's not as easy as it should be. I've had a few of those recently, and splattered throughout my life; dotted between the highs of children and grandchildren - births, weddings, graduations, missions, performances, or even those rare family vacations or amazing road trips, or when immersed in a good book or soul-touching music or conversations with good friends.

If it wasn't for the highs of faith, friends and family, those dark splotches of disappointment would have blotted my life to a dull shade of gray. And yet, it's so easy to take them for granted. The highs are often underestimated and undercelebrated.

How grateful I am for simple faith, family time, leisurely strolls and honest talk. We spend our lives racing around on the fast track , walking and talking at a rapid pace, and making time for family and faith only when it's convenient.

But then, there comes a moment of clarity as we mature. It's painful. It's hard to accept. But it's real, and it comes...trust me. And in the moment we realize, with a remorse beyond description, that somewhere along the line our focus shifted, our life spun out of control, the darkness took over and we missed the point. We let our life race by, or run over us, or drag us along. We didn't live our life, it lived us. We suddenly realize how much time we wasted.

I've done this. I am guilty. And I am sorry. Sorrier than anyone could ever know, except someone who has experienced this sudden awakening, this reality that there isn't a second chance.

Early in life, you have the opportunity to marry the right person, you have one chance to raise your children, and you have one shot to start early and build a life of  financial responsibility. Once that "one" time has past, all is not lost, but you can never go back and redo what was done, or not done.

I don't think kids realize this. I know I didn't. It was something that I just didn't think about. If anyone had asked, I would have told them that at 56 I would be happily putting my last kid through college, looking for a place to retire, and enjoying time with my grandkids. But life didn't turn out that way, and part of the fault is mine - maybe all of it - because I didn't have a real plan. I could have answered the question, but I didn't have a plan.

I do now. It's too late to go back and redo. It's too late to be less trusting and more cautious. It's too late to enjoy curling my fingers through Kurt's blond curls again, or snuggle in bed with Kollin, or make it to Kelly's parade, or spend more time reading with Kyle, or be home more for Karynn, or listen more carefully to Kalen. It's too late.

It's too late to look at the kid's Dad and say "This isn't about us, it's about the kids. We're a family, let's do this."

It's too late to not rush into a rebound marriage. It's too late. It's done. But as I told my daughter, I can only hope that my kids have learned how NOT to do things because of my mistakes, as much as they may have learned how TO act when I've made correct decisions. It's the only silver lining in this mess of a once-only life that I know. I pray that they learn from my mistakes.

But I refuse to let remorse or sorrow darken the days I have left on earth. I refuse to let disappointment in people whom I trusted send me spiraling into depression or despair. And I refuse to waste even another minute of my life on someone else's dishonesty or immorality or disloyalty.

I still believe in people. I still wake up positive and ready for a new day. I still refuse to let the dark splotches of disappointment and negativity and betrayal and failure - in others and in myself - define who I am.

Because I am happy, I am excited, and I am about to begin the next chapter in my life! And this is the life that I know and love. My life. And I claim it, I own it, I take responsibility for it - the good and the bad. And I have a plan this time, so watch out. I'm going to take charge, but I am going to hold others accountable too.

We all have a moral responsibility to be cognizant of how our lives weave into the lives of others, and to be careful, and respectful, and responsible when dealing with friends, family, coworkers, partners, colleagues, those we pass on the street, employees and employers. And those who don't realize this and live by it, will not succeed. Those who do, are not promised a smooth ride, but at least they can bounce over the bumps with head held high.

It's a new day. And my chin's up.  Bring it on.

It's Never Too Late for the Fairy Tale

Those ah-hah moments can really get you. They can quietly sneak up in your life when least expected and take your breath away. So much so that it's hard to not notice, but every now and then they can actually go by without making the impression they should.

Our lives are so busy now with jobs, church, friends, children, grandchildren, school, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, TV, movies, sports, exercise, entertainment, and every other distraction we fill our daily 24 hours with.

We keep ourselves so busy that those ah-hah moments can actually slip by without the due attention they deserve. And when that happens, we can miss out on a life-changing moment of clarity, or a simple truth, or a much needed whispered word of encouragement.

And so, as I get older, I am trying to listen better. I know there were a lot of whispered directional signs that I missed in my life, and not because they weren't there, because I wasn't paying attention.

I can look back on my life and see amazing moments of joy and clarity, but I can also look back and remember periods of time when I was lost, navigating life on my own and taking wrong turns at every bend.

And because of those wrong turns, which may very well have added excitement or adventure or knowledge to my life, I am not where I expected to be today. Not geographically, this isn't about what state I should be living in. It's more about who I am, not where I am.

And that is exactly what I was thinking when the ah-hah moment hit. Who am I? And why am I this me?

I spent this weekend wondering and doubting and wishing, and by the end of two days of pondering, I was fairly depressed. After all, when we do this kind of thinking it's very easy to remember everything we did poorly, and that's exactly what I did.

And then that much-needed thought came to me in a quiet moment of solitude, "It's not too late for the fairy tale, Jeannie."

That woke me up! It was the first optimistic thought of the past 3 days. It was much more like the me I like to think I am, and didn't fit at all with the "How in the world did I mess up my life so badly," persona of the past 40+ hours.

And so I am slowly digging out of my self-induced despair and actually beginning to see the light over the rim of the hole I dug pretty much all by myself. It's not going to happen instantly, but I am on my way up and that's what matters. Every push and pull upward, every toe hold, every bead of sweat and every harried breath will be punctuated with that ah-hah thought that came to me when I was least expecting it and most needed it. It's not too late for the fairy tale, Jeannie. Really? Woohoo, then let's get on it!

Sometimes when so many things have gone so wrong, it's hard to imagine that so many things could still go right. It takes effort and faith and a change of heart and a new direction. It takes humility and repentance and a desire to go there. But it's worth it. I know it. I've been there before and then lost my way, more than once. This time I am holding on tight and following the path so that I won't get lost on my way, and trying to not be so damned independent. I really CAN'T do this alone. Just admitting that is a huge step in the right direction.

No, it's not too late for the fairy tale.

I just need to grab offered hands along the way and focus on catching up.

It's never too late to do that.

Warmth of the Sun

I am happy today.

I began my day in the peaceful warmth following study and meditation.

I walked in the warmth of the sun this morning.

I read the paper with the warmth of a mug cupped in my hands.

I worked in the warmth of my home all day.

I am looking forward to the warmth of my family this coming weekend.

I look to the future with a warm glow of hope for even better days.

I will end my day wrapped in the warmth of my favorite down quilt.

I will have the warmth of the sun within me tonight.

I am happy and warm today. I hope you are too.

Beach Boys "Warmth of the Sun"

Darwin Schmarwin - Survival isn't All it's Cracked up to Be

"Survival of the fittest" - a phrase most often attributed to Charles Darwin, but not really his own, seems to declare a victory of sorts. According to Darwin's theory, those who are most suited to their environment are the most fit to survive.

The ability to survive in the worst circumstances has been emotionally depicted in the true personal diary of Anne Frank, a journal of survival that was written while she and her family were in hiding from the Nazi's during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. It is an amazing story of courage.

In today's world, survivor has become anonymous with ribbons - pink ribbons for breast cancer, yellow ribbons for prisoners of war, red for HIV, and over the rainbow we go.

I have been called a survivor on many occasions. Not from a life-threatening disease, but from "the vicissitudes of life" to use the words in my patriarchal blessing when it references the challenges of life that I will face.

But I don't feel courageous; I would never compare myself to Anne Frank. And I am not adorned with ribbons, although if I had to choose a color it would be green - for new life, new hope, new beginnings.

So that leaves the option intended by Darwin of being 'most suited to my environment' and I beg to differ. I was not suited to be a single divorced unemployed mother.

I didn't plan to be a single mother. I never planned to be divorced. I would never have dreamed that I would have to live mouth-to-mouth while raising six kids. And more importantly, I wasn't prepared, or trained, or ready to do any of that, but it happened and I survived, and it does not mean that I was suited to that environment.

I survived because I had to, there wasn't another option. I am still on that same course.

Yes, I raised six kids - but while raising them, I was raising myself - even though I was an adult. I had never had to take care of myself. I had never had to earn a living. I had no education, no formal training, not enough financial support to even mention with 6 kids to raise, an understandably withdrawn pre-divorce in-law family, a not-sure-what-to-do immediate family, a few friends who called to ask how things were and help when they could, and a lot of friends who had their own lives to deal with and never bothered.

And because I was ill-suited for my environment, I made a lot of mistakes. Poor judgments about money, partners, even my kids. I suffered from depression through it all too, something I have just recently figured out. I never had time to stop and think about it until now. Idle time produces a lot of thinking, at least for me, and all kinds of revelations have been coming forth in the past year that I have been an "empty nester". It's a bit scary but very exciting too. Things that never made sense, suddenly do. Behaviors I could never understand are suddenly transparent. The me I used to be is finally returning. I should celebrate; someone's been found who has been missing for nearly 20 years. Me!

So the reality is that I was definitely not suited for my environment, so much so that I had to bury the real me to survive. Oh sure, I have always been here, and the person who made it through the past 20 years is part of who I am, but me - Jeannie Baugh - the happy, confident, bright-eyed redhead who loved and laughed and lived life with her family in tow - she was lost for a long time.

I may have adapted to my environment, but I was never suited for it and I wasn't fit for it either. I was a fish out of water, and not much has changed today, although I am slowly becoming exactly who I thought I was and who I want to be. And the best part? I like me!

'Survival of the fittest' has some merit, but it makes a very large assumption about reality.

My reality is simple. I raised 6 kids on a dime, or maybe a few dimes. Mostly my dimes and sadly, some of the kids dimes too. And finally, after all these years, I can see that.

I became a chameleon to fit into whatever environment I had to in order to survive. I only gave up my deep-seated principles in acts of depressed desperation a few times as my marriage was falling apart and as I was trying to grasp the reality of being a single Mom with six kids. Those few times were a cry for help or a plea for attention that went unnoticed, and those few times have been regretted and repented many times over. No one can beat us up more than our own consciences. I hope to rid myself of those old memories soon; they are fading more every day. But the reality of the fallout from our ill-suited situation never will.

But I survived, and lived a life of quick smiles and shallow laughter - EXCEPT when it came to my kids. They were always why I did anything, although sometimes I am certain that was not easy to always see. I laughed and smiled and enjoyed them more than anything else in life, I still do. They are my reason for still being here. They are the reason I chose to survive.

But choosing to survive and making good choices aren't necessarily synonymous. I was running around before and after the divorce trying to balance family with work with church while their Dad worked and played hard, often absentee when I was around, but almost always there when I wasn't. What I didn't realize - to my detriment - is that my kids were dealing with everything that I was - all those things that were making me feel as if life was slipping away from me - plus one added challenge, they were also dealing with an absentee Mom.

I was too short-sighted and too self-absorbed to realize that my 'fueled-by-depression avoidance behaviors' were simply adding one more thing to the pile of issues that were being dumped on six innocent kids. And they didn't know what to do about any of it. They just jumped in together and swam frantically upstream. And thankfully, with only a few mishaps, they survived.

It isn't me that was hurt the most by all of this, it was them. They were short-changed even more than I was. Our lives were stolen from us and we never got them back. Ever.

Suited to their environment? Suited to my environment? I don't think so.

Surviving isn't the way to live life; after all, surviving is exactly that - surviving. It isn't living.

Thankfully my kids have one-by-one found life after their broken childhoods. When I look back and think of all the things I didn't do that could have helped to lessen their load, I always cry. A lifetime of sorrow can't fix it, but that green ribbon mentality has given them new lives with amazing spouses and darling children. They are my heroes in life.

So now, for me, it's time to finally close the door to the past and start living again. It's a process, the door isn't slamming shut, it's creaking closed slowly, but I really hope I am up to the task; a lot of life has been lost - my life, their lives - do to betrayal, depression, and being ill-suited for the environment and I don't want to lose another minute.  I hope to have many years ahead of me and I have not only kids, but grandkids (and me!) to live life with and for. It's way past time to do that.

So, we are all survivors, me and my kids. After all (and no thanks to Darwin), whether we were suited to the environment or not - what choice did we have?

I would never choose to be well-suited for an environment of betrayal, heartbreak, confusion, hurt, pain, depression, abandonment and divorce. I wouldn't choose that for anybody. And none of us chose it.

We chose to move on and move forward. We survived and will continue to survive. And thank God for that.

I am done with the past.

Carry on.

Crosby, Stills and Nash "Carry On"

Cloggers Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I am certain my children have memories of me dancing and singing around the house, it's something I have always done - in spite of the very evident fact that I am not talented in either singing OR dancing.

However, I highly doubt that even my children who have seen me prancing around like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music would believe what I am doing these days. Every day, several times a day.

Since we are still dealing with the mouse issue, I have put out poisoned bait for the little critters in several places (well, the exterminator guy has - I am too paranoid to even think about touching anything related to a mouse). One place he put the bait is on the floor beneath some pantry shelving. This shelving is open to the kitchen and not hidden behind some lovely slatted pantry door, but I call it pantry shelving anyway. It makes me feel more high class.

Last week,  when I wandered innocently into my high class kitchen, I disturbed a little feast that was going on (exactly what we want, but exactly what I don't want to be part of). My sudden appearance, brazenly walking right into my kitchen without warning, disturbed the two mice who were gnawing on the cube of poisoned grain and off they ran - in two directions - sending me into a piercing scream as I retreated as if the place was on fire, arms waving, heart thumping, nearly tripping over my own feet. It should be funny, but it wasn't.

So now, to avoid any surprises I start stomping my feet and yelling (think: Indian Rain Dance Chanting) before I even set one foot in the kitchen. Honestly, I start stomping about 4 feet down the hall, just to give them a warning so they can scamper away without me seeing them. And I no longer look down. Mice are quiet, so if you don't see them, you rarely know they are there. (I know they are there, but I am sooo trying to be in denial so that I can sleep at night, etc.)

Anyway, back to my version of the Indian Rain Dance. It's a vision, I know. Moi - stomping, ranting, flailing and looking to the heavens every time I walk into my kitchen. It's a reality and a memory no one should have to deal with. Kind of like some people feel about clogging...

Anyway, needless to say, I am eating out a lot. The kitchen has become exhausting and scary.

But I must add that we (the exterminator - Gary - and I) are getting them; I no longer find droppings in other rooms of the house. I think we are down to these last two and if I keep dancing and screaming and stomping I have no doubt that they will skittle out of the kitchen for good....kind of like my kids did so very long ago.

The exterminator comes tomorrow. But I am gonna keep dancing anyway.

I am looking to the heavens even now in gratitude...hiyaheyalaleyheyayahayahihayaya. Stomp.

Cloggers

American Indian Chant

Round and Round We Go

I learned a lot during the past few days. Some of the thoughts were new, some were reminders of information gleaned throughout my life, some were old ideas presented in a new format, some were things I kind of knew, but just hadn't taken the time to recognize, or to ponder and formulate an opinion or belief about, some were eternal truths, repeated over and over again throughout the span of time.

So, what did I learn/hear/remember/recognize?

A lot. And it all tied back to humanity, to caring, to the golden rule, to basic principles of love - philia. And it was all connected to fundraising, since that is what the conference was about, and building relationships - creating an opportunity for someone to do what they want to, because they care and because they want to make a difference. Finding that inner belief that rings true to them and creates a passion for something that motivates the person to action.

After all, we're all very much alike. We are human beings. We are born, we live, we die. Sometimes we marry. Sometimes we procreate. But we are all individuals of worth and value and beauty.

So what did I learn? I learned about...

The concentric circles of our lives. Self, spouse, family, friends, associates. Experiences, education, beliefs, associations, knowledge, exposure.

These are the circles of life that overlap and shape who we are.

And I was reminded about about chakra, from the Upanishads (loved the Sacred Books of the World course at CWU), are circular energy centers aligned in an ascending column beginning at the base of the spinal column and moving upward to the top of the skull. They are visualized as lotuses/flowers with a different number of petals in every chakra. The chakras are thought to vitalize the physical body and to be associated with interactions of a physical, emotional and mental nature. The seven principal chakras are said by some to reflect how the unified consciousness of humanity (the immortal human being or the soul), is divided to manage different aspects of earthly life (body/instinct/vital energy/deeper emotions/communication/having an overview of life/contact to God.)

The conference was a mini-culmination for me, years and years of experience and training repackaged into a higher level of thinking/acting/feeling. The spirituality of philanthropy. The eternal truths that are the basis of caring for others, and helping others find their best way to care for others. Certainly not my last ah-ha moment, but a big one.

The Sufi belief that "Good people treat people in the same way they want to be treated. Generous people treat people better than they expect to be treated. And wise people treat people in the way they need to be treated."

A grand concept. A wise practice. A circular truth. Because if there is truth in the old saying, "What goes around comes around," everything we do will come back to us at some point in time, in some way.

The ability to choose. Your deeds or acts determine your life. Cause and effect. Supply and demand. Good begets good. Kindness begets kindness. You reap what you sow. By their fruits shall ye know them. Choices have consequences. Action and reaction.

These are all governing principles of life, eternal truths, unchangeable realities. Your action will cause a reaction which will cause yet another action. Your choice will have a consequence which will cause yet another choice. It's the process of living. Every thought, word, and action matters and will determine our next thought, word, and action.

Karma. In Hinduism, everything that we have ever thought, spoken, done or caused is Karma; as is also that which we think, speak or do this very moment. Karma is not punishment or retribution but simply an extended expression or consequence of natural acts. Karma is not fate, for humans act with free will creating their own destiny. The conquest of karma lies in intelligent action and dispassionate response. (Wikipedia)

Free agency. In Mormonism, "The privilege of choice which was introduced by God the Eternal Father to all of his spirit children in the premortal state"; mortal life is viewed as a test of faith, where our choices are central to the Plan of Salvation. The LDS faith teaches that we will be held accountable for our actions; we will be judged by God based on a combination of our faith and works. (Wikipedia)

Free will. Other Christian denominations differ on their doctrine relating to free will and choice and eternal life. Some believe in predestination, those who will be saved were chosen before they came to earth. Some believe in conversion, those who convert to their religion and live by their doctrine may be saved. Some don't know.

One thing is certain. Hope springs eternal. It's in every religion, in every individual. Hope that tomorrow will be a good day. Hope that life is of value and importance. Hope in the future for our children. Hope that there is more to life than approximately 75 years. Hope that there is a God, a higher being. Hope that truth will prevail.

Concentric circles. Chakra.

Birth to death to rebirth. Eternal life.

Mothers having babies who become mothers having babies who become....

Does it ever end? Not if it's spherical or cyclical in nature or shape.

And we celebrate the eternal capacity of life, the cycle of life, the interlacing and overlapping circles within it through symbolism.

Think of the Olympic logo.

And wedding rings. A continuous band, an eternal round.

Remember that history repeats itself.

And life is a merry-go-round.

On and on and on...round and round we go...today determines tomorrow, yesterday determined today, tomorrow determines eternity and eternity determines every day.

No wonder I am dizzy....

Tommy Roe "Dizzy"

Burnt Eggs and Lemonade

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"...so goes the age-old saying. (my Mom made the best lemonade I have ever had - from scratch, with just the right amount of sugar - I can still remember how it tasted. Mmmmm).

"There's nothing worse than burnt eggs"....so goes a favorite quote from my Mom. She probably never imagined that her daughter might someday burn hard boiled eggs. I think she was thinking more along the lines of scrambled or fried eggs. But I managed to burn hardboiled eggs last week.

Yes, that's what I said. I burned hardboiled eggs. It's taken me a week to hone in on the fact that I really did burn hardboiled eggs and just as long to own up to it.

It takes talent to burn hardboiled eggs. Not a lot of focus, however.

I seem to have a knack for letting things simmer too long. I draw things out long beyond their natural, healthy lifetime.

Diets come to mind. I have been on a diet for 17 years, and look where it's gotten me. Nowhere. It's not that hard, when you think about it. Eat less, move more. Turn on healthy foods, turn off unhealthy foods.

Relationships are another thought. I seem to be able to nurse a bad relationship along for much longer than is healthy, for all involved. I can hang in there, I can give second chances, I can recreate myself, I can comply, I can rebel, I can turn things on, I can settle. So, what is it that prevents me from turning things off? This could be a question for the eternities. Longsuffering? Patience? Bullheadedness? The inability to admit failure? A refusal to change? The fact that I am a redhead? Never giving up? Carelessness? Enduring to the end? A combination of all of the forementioned?

Oh. Wait.

And then there are eggs. Hardboiled eggs. It should be fairly simple. Water, pan, raw eggs. Turn on heat, turn off heat. I, however, seem to have forgotten that last critical step.

Somehow diets, relationships and hardboiled eggs will forever be linked in my mind. I can't seem to turn things off in a timely fashion. I linger. I procrastinate. I hope. I wait. I dream.

And then I burn the eggs.

Which brings me to lemonade. The universally liked drink. Refreshing. Full of vitamins. Almost youth-enducing. The drink that makes any day feel like summer and creates a slight breeze effect in your minds eye. I like mine sweet, but not too sweet.

I am so glad that I like lemonade. I can drink it forever. I don't ever have to turn it off. It doesn't burn. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It doesn't make me wonder who I really am. It's just lemonade.

I can drink lemonade to regroup. I can hope and wait and dream....and drink lemonade.

Mom, baseball and apple pie? Well, yeah, that's American red/white/blue jargon, but come on.

Mom, lemonade and a camp chair beneath the huge tree in our backyard on 18th Street - circa 1960. Now we're talkin. Simple, carefree, sunkissed blissful, innocent days...with a slight breeze.

Those are my memories. What a simple and good life that was. Of course, I was 6 and rather unencumbered by relationships, a need to diet or cooking issues. And I still had my Mom - and pancakes with apple sauce and sun-brewed iced tea, and lemonade.

I will probably burn more eggs in my lifetime and drag things out longer than I should (my blog posts are probably a good example of that), but more importantly, I will always make certain to take some time to stop in the middle of life's chaos to sip a tall glass of lemonade, and appreciate my family, my friends and my good decisions.

I love lemonade. I love life. I still love to sit under huge trees. And I will always wait for that slight breeze to renew my faith in humanity and in myself.

Thanks Mom.

Bob Hope "Thanks for the Memories"

Milestones and Miracles

It was a busy 4 days last month. Kalen returned from Brazil, Kelly graduated from college, Karynn gave birth to Kierstyn, Logan asked Kelly to marry her - and she said YES!

Life doesn't get much better, or much more hectic than that....unless of course, someone gets a blood clot in their leg, another receives a proposal at the age of 17, and best friends suddenly become foreign to you.

Then...life gets even more hectic.

Thankfully miracles happen, blood clots can be dissolved, heads overcome hearts, reality hits - but with compassion, and other hearts heal.

I am grateful for the vicissitudes of life and the lessons that are learned. I hope they make me a better person.

Miles Davis "Milestones"