Guys and Dolls

I suppose that I might as well jump into the fray and comment.

Since I recently 'came out' as a calendared watcher of "The Bachelor" on ABC, I have been chomping at the bit to expound on the ridiculous drama that seems to have captured an exponentially expanding role in the show, to say nothing of the imaginative minds glued to the TV every Monday night.

But I am going to resist. The gals really don't deserve even a line of my commentary. (And that line says volumes, doesn't it?)

Nope, it's not the gals I want to chat about, I am going in another direction. I am going to comment about Jake. Yes, Jake, a guy who seemed real, if a bit emotionally raw in  last season's "The Bachelorette" (yes, I watched that too); a guy who was a favorite for the next Bachelor, and a guy who looks great in and out of uniform - although not as rugged as the show seems to want to portray him (for what reason I don't know - he looks just fine in normal clothes).

I am doing this because I think men (and women) can learn a lot from Jake. After all, he's a good looking guy who wears his heart-of-gold on his flannel sleeve and is looking for love in all the wrong places. Sound familiar?

Anyway, these are my thoughts, and mine alone. For instance...when Jake isn't stressing over what's going on in the quintessential "Bachelor Pad" that (it must be noted) he volunteered for and is getting paid for, he can be quite charming and handsome. But most of the time he seems stressed, with a furrowed brow and forced smile - as if this is harder than he expected. I am not sure why Jake expected a gaggle of stiletto clad single women to show up on a pay-to-play show and not be, well, a gaggle of doll-looking, cleavage baring, fun-seeking single women. It seems obvious to most of the rest of us.

Lesson #1
Don't sweat the small stuff.

And when he isn't looking deeply into the eyes of some doll and losing all perspective, Jake has an open heart and admirable goals. He is truly looking for love, but is this really where he will find it?

Lesson #2
Set realistic goals and create a realistic plan to reach them.

Beyond those obvious qualities of sincerity and a vulnerable heart, Jake needs a little help in the conversation arena. Is it me, or do his recurring lines consist entirely of the following: 1) Thanks "guys" for being here (I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any guy there but him, oh, and Chris), 2) You look beautiful tonight, 3) I love your dress, 4) I love your eyes, 5) You are amazing, 6) I really like you.

Lesson #3
Communication is an integral part of any relationship;

 learn to communicate; learn the art of conversation; learn the importance of substance in what you say.

Jake is on a very focused mission with the implied-by-actions motto "Take no prisoners". I don't really care who he ends up with - if he ends up with anyone at all, but I wonder if he is slicing and dicing his way through the dolls a bit too quickly. I understand that he doesn't want to waste any more time, but he has burned roses, for gosh sake. He has given up the opportunity to spend more time with at least 2 girls who might (or might not) have shown the qualities he is looking for if given the chance (more time with him without all the others). This fast-paced, group date style romancing seems less than optimum to me and to most of the world, but Jake sincerely expects to find true love there.

Lesson #4
Don't judge a book by it's cover, or even the first few pages;

take time to open it up and read beyond the introduction.

And last, but not least, it appears that Jake is on a mission that doesn't allow for any downtime; it reminds me of men who head out with their families on a road trip and don't think to brake at a rest stop.So what if they don't have to pee, to breathe - the rest of us do! And it's good to breathe! Decisions can be made in a less harried fashion, people can be enjoyed for who they are, not dismissed because after knowing them for 2 hours they don't appear to be who you want them to be.

Lesson #5
Take time to smell the roses,
instead of burning them.

I imagine this will be my first and last post about The Bachelor. But I just had to do it.

Some things just need to be said, as Ali obviously believes. And some things don't, as Ali obviously doesn't believe. Don't get me started on that one!

May the "guy" with the purest heart win the final rose.

I love boutonniere's.

Enough said.

Round and Round We Go

I learned a lot during the past few days. Some of the thoughts were new, some were reminders of information gleaned throughout my life, some were old ideas presented in a new format, some were things I kind of knew, but just hadn't taken the time to recognize, or to ponder and formulate an opinion or belief about, some were eternal truths, repeated over and over again throughout the span of time.

So, what did I learn/hear/remember/recognize?

A lot. And it all tied back to humanity, to caring, to the golden rule, to basic principles of love - philia. And it was all connected to fundraising, since that is what the conference was about, and building relationships - creating an opportunity for someone to do what they want to, because they care and because they want to make a difference. Finding that inner belief that rings true to them and creates a passion for something that motivates the person to action.

After all, we're all very much alike. We are human beings. We are born, we live, we die. Sometimes we marry. Sometimes we procreate. But we are all individuals of worth and value and beauty.

So what did I learn? I learned about...

The concentric circles of our lives. Self, spouse, family, friends, associates. Experiences, education, beliefs, associations, knowledge, exposure.

These are the circles of life that overlap and shape who we are.

And I was reminded about about chakra, from the Upanishads (loved the Sacred Books of the World course at CWU), are circular energy centers aligned in an ascending column beginning at the base of the spinal column and moving upward to the top of the skull. They are visualized as lotuses/flowers with a different number of petals in every chakra. The chakras are thought to vitalize the physical body and to be associated with interactions of a physical, emotional and mental nature. The seven principal chakras are said by some to reflect how the unified consciousness of humanity (the immortal human being or the soul), is divided to manage different aspects of earthly life (body/instinct/vital energy/deeper emotions/communication/having an overview of life/contact to God.)

The conference was a mini-culmination for me, years and years of experience and training repackaged into a higher level of thinking/acting/feeling. The spirituality of philanthropy. The eternal truths that are the basis of caring for others, and helping others find their best way to care for others. Certainly not my last ah-ha moment, but a big one.

The Sufi belief that "Good people treat people in the same way they want to be treated. Generous people treat people better than they expect to be treated. And wise people treat people in the way they need to be treated."

A grand concept. A wise practice. A circular truth. Because if there is truth in the old saying, "What goes around comes around," everything we do will come back to us at some point in time, in some way.

The ability to choose. Your deeds or acts determine your life. Cause and effect. Supply and demand. Good begets good. Kindness begets kindness. You reap what you sow. By their fruits shall ye know them. Choices have consequences. Action and reaction.

These are all governing principles of life, eternal truths, unchangeable realities. Your action will cause a reaction which will cause yet another action. Your choice will have a consequence which will cause yet another choice. It's the process of living. Every thought, word, and action matters and will determine our next thought, word, and action.

Karma. In Hinduism, everything that we have ever thought, spoken, done or caused is Karma; as is also that which we think, speak or do this very moment. Karma is not punishment or retribution but simply an extended expression or consequence of natural acts. Karma is not fate, for humans act with free will creating their own destiny. The conquest of karma lies in intelligent action and dispassionate response. (Wikipedia)

Free agency. In Mormonism, "The privilege of choice which was introduced by God the Eternal Father to all of his spirit children in the premortal state"; mortal life is viewed as a test of faith, where our choices are central to the Plan of Salvation. The LDS faith teaches that we will be held accountable for our actions; we will be judged by God based on a combination of our faith and works. (Wikipedia)

Free will. Other Christian denominations differ on their doctrine relating to free will and choice and eternal life. Some believe in predestination, those who will be saved were chosen before they came to earth. Some believe in conversion, those who convert to their religion and live by their doctrine may be saved. Some don't know.

One thing is certain. Hope springs eternal. It's in every religion, in every individual. Hope that tomorrow will be a good day. Hope that life is of value and importance. Hope in the future for our children. Hope that there is more to life than approximately 75 years. Hope that there is a God, a higher being. Hope that truth will prevail.

Concentric circles. Chakra.

Birth to death to rebirth. Eternal life.

Mothers having babies who become mothers having babies who become....

Does it ever end? Not if it's spherical or cyclical in nature or shape.

And we celebrate the eternal capacity of life, the cycle of life, the interlacing and overlapping circles within it through symbolism.

Think of the Olympic logo.

And wedding rings. A continuous band, an eternal round.

Remember that history repeats itself.

And life is a merry-go-round.

On and on and on...round and round we go...today determines tomorrow, yesterday determined today, tomorrow determines eternity and eternity determines every day.

No wonder I am dizzy....

Tommy Roe "Dizzy"

Simplicity

What can you say about someone who loves you unconditionally - especially when you are me?

Lots of things, I suppose, and it's not a simple answer.

Life isn't simple. I am not simple.

Relationships aren't simple. Marriage is not simple.

Somehow I think I missed the instruction booklet on relationships. I actually have done better (even with all the mistakes I made) at raising 6 kids then I have done in relationship(s) and marriage(s).

Yes, (s). As in more than one.

Sad isn't it? More than one marriage...I mean really, even those who are happy and love their marriage would say that ONE is enough!

But not me, oh no. I keep thinking I can learn from my mistakes and be more successful the next time, but that isn't the answer. It's like starting from scratch all over again. This is not the way to do it. I am certain they spelled that out in the instruction book I missed.

So what's the deal?

I am not overly difficult. However, I am not overly easy either.

I am a redhead. (yes, that says volumes)

I am relatively intelligent.

I am fairly quick thinking.

I get bored easily.

I love to be on the go.

I love to laugh.

I trust completely. (which means I am completely vulnerable)

I can laugh at me, myself and I...and the rest of life.

I can forgive.

I have a quiet faith. I have learned to trust in God, not men.

I can love. Sometimes too much, sometimes not enough.

I am not too far off the track, am I?

No, at least I don't think I am. So, I am confused. Why isn't it simpler?

I know that one thing is for certain -

Relationships aren't simple. Marriage isn't simple. It takes work, compromise, honesty, patience, humor, forgiveness and unconditional love.

I have the pieces down, I can do all of those things, almost effortlessly. I just can't seem to put them together in the right place and the right time and in the right order to complete the whole puzzle. There's always something missing, that critical piece in the middle.

Except for that one piece, all the rest of the pieces seem to be here, but I can't get them to fit right.

So, no, it's not simple. And that's a problem.

Because in the end, that is what I want - something a bit more simple. Not something easy, something simple. Not something effortless, something natural. Something pure. Something true. Something honest. Something that fits.

I want a relationship that is calm yet fun, steady yet exciting, dependable yet spontaneous, trustworthy yet breathtaking.

I want a companion. I don't need to be bowled over, I just need my hand held. I am strong, but not that strong. I am independent, but not that independent. I want to enjoy life with someone.

Simplicity, in a world of chaos. It MUST be in the box somewhere; some of the pieces are almost perfect, but not quite. If I really pushed hard, I could MAKE them fit, but that's not how it should work. It should take effort, not force.

I am not asking for a miracle. I just want all the pieces to fit together, and I want that one center piece that has always escaped me. The real one. Not an imitation. Not a substitute. The real McCoy.

My fear is that in the chaos I have made of my life, I might have already found it and then lost it.
Or maybe I should just acknowledge that I did find it and then lose it. No fear needed. Just own up to it.

Or maybe it's just waiting to be found for the first time, or rediscovered after being lost, or appreciated after being taken for granted.

I know this much, whatever it is, it's not simple.

So, what can you say about someone who loves you unconditionally - especially when you are me?

A simple "thank you" would be a good start. "I love you" could follow, but only if it's from the heart.

And instructions, simple instructions would help too.

Find. Love. Hold on, not too tight, but hold on. Love. Commit. Love. Don't let go. Love. Appreciate. Love. Enjoy. Love. Support. Love. Share. Love. Have Patience. Love. Renew Often. Love. Respect. Love. Live. Love.

That should do it.

Maybe I need to write AND read the instruction book.

Simplicity, huh? If only it really was simple.

Whitney Houston "I Will Always Love You"

Burnt Eggs and Lemonade

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"...so goes the age-old saying. (my Mom made the best lemonade I have ever had - from scratch, with just the right amount of sugar - I can still remember how it tasted. Mmmmm).

"There's nothing worse than burnt eggs"....so goes a favorite quote from my Mom. She probably never imagined that her daughter might someday burn hard boiled eggs. I think she was thinking more along the lines of scrambled or fried eggs. But I managed to burn hardboiled eggs last week.

Yes, that's what I said. I burned hardboiled eggs. It's taken me a week to hone in on the fact that I really did burn hardboiled eggs and just as long to own up to it.

It takes talent to burn hardboiled eggs. Not a lot of focus, however.

I seem to have a knack for letting things simmer too long. I draw things out long beyond their natural, healthy lifetime.

Diets come to mind. I have been on a diet for 17 years, and look where it's gotten me. Nowhere. It's not that hard, when you think about it. Eat less, move more. Turn on healthy foods, turn off unhealthy foods.

Relationships are another thought. I seem to be able to nurse a bad relationship along for much longer than is healthy, for all involved. I can hang in there, I can give second chances, I can recreate myself, I can comply, I can rebel, I can turn things on, I can settle. So, what is it that prevents me from turning things off? This could be a question for the eternities. Longsuffering? Patience? Bullheadedness? The inability to admit failure? A refusal to change? The fact that I am a redhead? Never giving up? Carelessness? Enduring to the end? A combination of all of the forementioned?

Oh. Wait.

And then there are eggs. Hardboiled eggs. It should be fairly simple. Water, pan, raw eggs. Turn on heat, turn off heat. I, however, seem to have forgotten that last critical step.

Somehow diets, relationships and hardboiled eggs will forever be linked in my mind. I can't seem to turn things off in a timely fashion. I linger. I procrastinate. I hope. I wait. I dream.

And then I burn the eggs.

Which brings me to lemonade. The universally liked drink. Refreshing. Full of vitamins. Almost youth-enducing. The drink that makes any day feel like summer and creates a slight breeze effect in your minds eye. I like mine sweet, but not too sweet.

I am so glad that I like lemonade. I can drink it forever. I don't ever have to turn it off. It doesn't burn. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It doesn't make me wonder who I really am. It's just lemonade.

I can drink lemonade to regroup. I can hope and wait and dream....and drink lemonade.

Mom, baseball and apple pie? Well, yeah, that's American red/white/blue jargon, but come on.

Mom, lemonade and a camp chair beneath the huge tree in our backyard on 18th Street - circa 1960. Now we're talkin. Simple, carefree, sunkissed blissful, innocent days...with a slight breeze.

Those are my memories. What a simple and good life that was. Of course, I was 6 and rather unencumbered by relationships, a need to diet or cooking issues. And I still had my Mom - and pancakes with apple sauce and sun-brewed iced tea, and lemonade.

I will probably burn more eggs in my lifetime and drag things out longer than I should (my blog posts are probably a good example of that), but more importantly, I will always make certain to take some time to stop in the middle of life's chaos to sip a tall glass of lemonade, and appreciate my family, my friends and my good decisions.

I love lemonade. I love life. I still love to sit under huge trees. And I will always wait for that slight breeze to renew my faith in humanity and in myself.

Thanks Mom.

Bob Hope "Thanks for the Memories"

Something Old, Something New

It's a crap shoot, ya know, this wedding stuff. You plan and you plan and you just never know how that day's gonna turn out, with one exception - you can be fairly certain that the bride and groom won't notice much beyond each other and won't remember much of the extravaganza.

White is so banal anyway. What's to remember? No wonder we add colors and flowers and people in frilly dresses and dark suits with fancy ties. It makes sense that colored mints are par for the course and towering cakes with unfamiliar people perched on top are de rigor.

And now it's customary to add trees and white lights (everywhere)...it's a wonder the bride doesn't trip over some poorly placed chord.

And this brings me to Kelly and Logan, the newly engaged couple who didn't even want a wedding. And I can see why. Who wants to have bags of leftover mints as dessert for the next year, topped by a frozen (and stale) cake top with those same unfamiliar people cryonically preserved and still perched on the inch of sugar-icing? I am pretty sure they don't. But I bet the cake cutting moment will be worth all that planning!

Who wants to worry about what color hat someone might wear and how people who really don't like each other (but come together for these very spay-eh-shul occasions) might act? No one, which is why most folks are on their best behavior at weddings.

So, why have a wedding? It's expensive, it's stressful, it's over in an hour, you have to invite people you have never met - and you have mints left over.

The bride has to find the dress of her dreams, in one shopping spree usually. The groom has to suck in for a cumberband of appropriate color. They both have to select "best" friends and favorite family members to serve in the wedding party. It's a wonder weddings don't sometimes turn into family feuds. It's more of a wonder that more couples don't elope mid-wedding-planning. I am certain many consider it. So what keeps them on track, what motivates them to have a wedding? Love. Family. Tradition. Celebration. Friends. Love......

Weddings are celebrations of life and love. They are as much, if not more, for the guests (family, friends, others who have to be invited because of that silly Vanderbilt book of etiquette) as they are for the couple getting hitched.

And there's an interesting phrase, "Getting hitched." Sounds like redneck trailer talk to me. "Hitch it up, Fred!" Somehow, "Hitch her up, Logan" just doesn't feel right.

So, we have weddings, we invite people "just because" AND "because!", we hope for civility, grace and courtesy from all, but mostly, we love that feeling of hope and dreams and optimism that young couples in love almost ooze, to say nothing of those mints; so we plan and plan an hold our breath in both excitement and dread all the time watching out for those loose chords and saying quiet prayers that this union will be one for the eternities.

Knowing Logan and Kelly...and watching them together, and sensing their mutual respect and witnessing their obvious love for each other... this one's a slam dunk.

Which brings me to Ralph Bobik...and those size 14 Converse basketball shoes he wore to my reception - with his tux - in 1976, sending my poor Dad into heart failure. I love that guy. I am not sure my Dad felt quite the same affinity for Ralph at that moment of truth when Joel (my Dad) looked at Ralph and said "YOU BETTER NOT have forgotten your dress shoes."

I loved my Dad. And I love that memory (which proves that brides DO remember some things from their weddings and receptions!).

And I love Converse. And I love weddings. And I love Kelly and Logan.

And now I get to go help Kelly find the dress of her dreams in one shopping spree.

And maybe even a perfect pair of Converse, for a very special day and an even more special girl.

Of course it won't matter, she won't remember much of it anyway. But I will and so will everyone else who is there. But the person who will remember? Logan. The minute Kelly comes into view - princess for a day to all of us but in Logan's mind that day will be one of those eternal photoshot moments, forever engraved in his memory.

Weddings. An old tradition for a new love.

Well, and for the mints, of course.

Elvis Presley "Something Blue"