The Last Piece

I am almost there. My sense of humor has returned. My confidence has returned. My ability to see the world as it is - instead of through a fog of depression - has returned.

I laugh more. I smile more. I have the desired angle of wrinkles on my face - they go up, not down.

My emotions are finally surfacing, after being buried for most of the past 20 years. I care about things again. I care about people again.

I wonder what folks must have thought of me. It probably appeared as if I didn't care, or that I thought I was better than them. I am so sorry for that perception of me. I have no one to blame for that but myself.

My spirituality was in the dumps, my beliefs were on hold or disguised in another life, but now they are back in place again.

My mind is sharp again. It had been dulled by everything. I am making better decisions with less emotion and fewer knee-jerk reactions; life is beginning to make sense again.

The hurt was buried just deep enough to be hidden from view, but not deep enough to not be felt by me. Now it has surfaced and exploded and finally subsided. The damage was done, but no one died from it. We survived.

Money has always been a challenge, there has never been enough of it - and when there was a little extra I spent it on family trips or soccer clothes or guitar lessons or shoes. I am by no means rollin' in the dough now and I never will be, but I am OK and it will just get better every year.

Depression really does make you an island and it does it at exactly the time you should be surrounded with love. I withdrew by location, I withdrew by focusing elsewhere, I withdrew by talking to people on the internet who could not see or know the real me. I could pretend to be happy there. But I am here now. And I no longer have to pretend. The fog is lifting, for real. I have always somehow managed to be positive and upbeat, but in bed, alone at night, or in the middle of the day when I am overwhelmed, it hasn't always been easy.

I lost so much during those times when I lacked focus - not just minutes or days, but years - a decade and more. Time I cannot recapture. Time with my children when they were young. Time with my children as they grew up. Time that can never be repeated. This is the greatest loss of my life. And definitely a loss I never wanted.

But now I want to lose something; my weight, the final piece. Adios Cherry Garcia.

It's been a long ride with small incremental triumphs along the way. The sunglasses came off a decade ago and my eyes sparkled again. The laugh returned about 5 years ago and my countenance changed physically as a result. The deepseated spirituality of my youth has returned and my life is brighter. Now the body needs to remember how it feels to be healthy.

It's finally my turn. It's time to finish the puzzle of Jeannie.

This won't be easy either, but it will be worth it.

The last piece...for my lasting peace.

I can hardly wait.

Cat Stevens "Peace Train"

It's a Small, Small World

I have been here two days. Today was our first real work/training day and it was a killer. I am too tired to blog, so let me just say that it's a small, small world that we live in.

I am at the Atlas Think Tank MBA Training in Virginia, along with 26 other think tank folks from all over the world: Poland, United States, Ghana, El Salvador, Georgia, Spain, Argentina, Belgium, Slovakia, Canada, Turkey, Tanzania, Kyrgyztan, Brazil, Mexico, Nepal, Belarus, Mongolia, Indonesia, Nigeria, and Ecuador.

It's like a grown up Rotary Exchange only shorter (2 weeks) and with the principles of individual liberty, free market economy and limited government instead of the 4-Way test. Or maybe it's more like a mini-United Nations.

Being a freedom fighter is more that a strategic business plan (which is what we are working on this week). Some of these young men and women have had to leave their countries due to death threats - one had to leave Turkey for an entire year and live in England during that time. Their average age is about 28, some have families of their own. They have travelled around the world for this opportunity to train with the Atlas Economic Research Foundation, and I can see why.

It's amazing what we have in the United States and what they don't have in their countries. Restrictions on internet, Facebook and other social pages are banned. Certain web hosting services too. Visa restrictions, travel requirements, and on and on and on.

Conversely, it's amazing what they have in their countries and we don't have in ours. Respect for their elders (Nigeria), the ability to speak only in positive terms (Indonesia), a hunger for freedom that we cannot even fathom...

Life is amazing, liberty is a right, but also a gift, this training is invaluable, Atlas is incredible, the staff and participants are exemplary, the world is suddenly very small and I am grateful to be here - at Atlas, and here - in America. God bless us all and may we be wise enough to work for world peace and freedom.

Disney "It's a Small World"