Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Last Piece

I am almost there. My sense of humor has returned. My confidence has returned. My ability to see the world as it is - instead of through a fog of depression - has returned.

I laugh more. I smile more. I have the desired angle of wrinkles on my face - they go up, not down.

My emotions are finally surfacing, after being buried for most of the past 20 years. I care about things again. I care about people again.

I wonder what folks must have thought of me. It probably appeared as if I didn't care, or that I thought I was better than them. I am so sorry for that perception of me. I have no one to blame for that but myself.

My spirituality was in the dumps, my beliefs were on hold or disguised in another life, but now they are back in place again.

My mind is sharp again. It had been dulled by everything. I am making better decisions with less emotion and fewer knee-jerk reactions; life is beginning to make sense again.

The hurt was buried just deep enough to be hidden from view, but not deep enough to not be felt by me. Now it has surfaced and exploded and finally subsided. The damage was done, but no one died from it. We survived.

Money has always been a challenge, there has never been enough of it - and when there was a little extra I spent it on family trips or soccer clothes or guitar lessons or shoes. I am by no means rollin' in the dough now and I never will be, but I am OK and it will just get better every year.

Depression really does make you an island and it does it at exactly the time you should be surrounded with love. I withdrew by location, I withdrew by focusing elsewhere, I withdrew by talking to people on the internet who could not see or know the real me. I could pretend to be happy there. But I am here now. And I no longer have to pretend. The fog is lifting, for real. I have always somehow managed to be positive and upbeat, but in bed, alone at night, or in the middle of the day when I am overwhelmed, it hasn't always been easy.

I lost so much during those times when I lacked focus - not just minutes or days, but years - a decade and more. Time I cannot recapture. Time with my children when they were young. Time with my children as they grew up. Time that can never be repeated. This is the greatest loss of my life. And definitely a loss I never wanted.

But now I want to lose something; my weight, the final piece. Adios Cherry Garcia.

It's been a long ride with small incremental triumphs along the way. The sunglasses came off a decade ago and my eyes sparkled again. The laugh returned about 5 years ago and my countenance changed physically as a result. The deepseated spirituality of my youth has returned and my life is brighter. Now the body needs to remember how it feels to be healthy.

It's finally my turn. It's time to finish the puzzle of Jeannie.

This won't be easy either, but it will be worth it.

The last piece...for my lasting peace.

I can hardly wait.

Cat Stevens "Peace Train"

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