It's Time

It's time. Not that I even know what time it is (all my clocks are packed), but I know it's time, past time even. It's time for me to be outta here. Gone.

I have managed to work from home on my computer (and yes, I can see what time it is on my laptop), but it's not like being in the office in DC - WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!

This move has not been smooth. Some have suggested it's a sign. I absolutely don't agree. If anything, it's a test. A test of my patience and my tenacity. And I am gonna pass.

Tomorrow the mover's will arrive and my ABQ home will be emptied, and I will leave too. It's about time.

No, it's time.

There Was A Time...

Old age tempers you. I don't care what anyone says, it does. The battles I would have fought when I was younger don't even cause my right eyebrow to raise anymore.

It's just not worth the effort. At this stage of life, effort is carefully monitored and preserved for those critical moments when you might need it.

Like tonight. I have been working all day but suddenly, around 8 PM, I had the bright idea to clean out my closet. This was one of those critical moments when effort and the energy associated with it were necessary.

At this stage of life we store energy. We need those reserves for life changing, life saving, life altering events. And I don't just mean cleaning out closets, although that effort can be life changing, saving and altering!

No, I'm talking about events that take your (our) breath away. Walking up stairs, for instance. Or taking the dog for a jog. Or babysitting. Carrying in the groceries.

Daily energy zapping events.

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but there is some truth in the need to store up reserves for the future, and not just for us old folks. Life isn't always a piece of cake and reserves of faith, hope, trust, optimism, courage, and energy can make all the difference when we are faced with trials and challenging tasks.

Personally, I seem to be storing body weight for a future famine, but that's another post for another day.

There was a time....and there will be more times.

Never doubt it.

No Going Back

There are choices in life that can be changed without any trouble, and there are choices in life that cannot. How you treat people and the fall out from that is rarely completely reversible, especially when the behavior is unkind, disrespectful or downright mean.

Oh sure, hugs can be shared, a hand shake can happen, apologies can be exchanged, but the lingering memory of the hurt never goes away, and that tempers every interaction from that moment on. Forgiveness may occur, but we never forget.

We never forget.

If only we could turn back time. But we can't.

The damage is done. There's never a complete going back. It's too late. Some things are lost forever in a millisecond.

There's nothing sadder in life.

Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time"

The Last Piece

I am almost there. My sense of humor has returned. My confidence has returned. My ability to see the world as it is - instead of through a fog of depression - has returned.

I laugh more. I smile more. I have the desired angle of wrinkles on my face - they go up, not down.

My emotions are finally surfacing, after being buried for most of the past 20 years. I care about things again. I care about people again.

I wonder what folks must have thought of me. It probably appeared as if I didn't care, or that I thought I was better than them. I am so sorry for that perception of me. I have no one to blame for that but myself.

My spirituality was in the dumps, my beliefs were on hold or disguised in another life, but now they are back in place again.

My mind is sharp again. It had been dulled by everything. I am making better decisions with less emotion and fewer knee-jerk reactions; life is beginning to make sense again.

The hurt was buried just deep enough to be hidden from view, but not deep enough to not be felt by me. Now it has surfaced and exploded and finally subsided. The damage was done, but no one died from it. We survived.

Money has always been a challenge, there has never been enough of it - and when there was a little extra I spent it on family trips or soccer clothes or guitar lessons or shoes. I am by no means rollin' in the dough now and I never will be, but I am OK and it will just get better every year.

Depression really does make you an island and it does it at exactly the time you should be surrounded with love. I withdrew by location, I withdrew by focusing elsewhere, I withdrew by talking to people on the internet who could not see or know the real me. I could pretend to be happy there. But I am here now. And I no longer have to pretend. The fog is lifting, for real. I have always somehow managed to be positive and upbeat, but in bed, alone at night, or in the middle of the day when I am overwhelmed, it hasn't always been easy.

I lost so much during those times when I lacked focus - not just minutes or days, but years - a decade and more. Time I cannot recapture. Time with my children when they were young. Time with my children as they grew up. Time that can never be repeated. This is the greatest loss of my life. And definitely a loss I never wanted.

But now I want to lose something; my weight, the final piece. Adios Cherry Garcia.

It's been a long ride with small incremental triumphs along the way. The sunglasses came off a decade ago and my eyes sparkled again. The laugh returned about 5 years ago and my countenance changed physically as a result. The deepseated spirituality of my youth has returned and my life is brighter. Now the body needs to remember how it feels to be healthy.

It's finally my turn. It's time to finish the puzzle of Jeannie.

This won't be easy either, but it will be worth it.

The last piece...for my lasting peace.

I can hardly wait.

Cat Stevens "Peace Train"

Come here, lil August, where are you?

I am a frantic mess. It seems that I have lost 31 days. Have you seen them?

I am serious. Somewhere between July 31st and September 1st a month disappeared.

You probably still think I am kidding, but the proof is everywhere: it's on my kitchen wall, in my day planner and even in my office.

Three calendars, still flipped to July, but I am told that it's September. How can that be? I never even turned the page to August!

If I had kids at home we would have missed out on all the before school sales and even missed the first day of school. If I wanted to sneak a last weekend at the beach into our summer it would be too late. And those 10 pounds I was going to lose before September are still with me.

I am almost 55 and I don't have 31 days to spare any more! So, I better scoot, I have 31 days to catch up with...I don't want to miss Fall!

Aberfeldy "Summer's Gone"

Bandaged Heart

I have always trusted my heart. I have trusted it to lead me in the right direction. I have trusted it to keep on beating. I have taken it for granted for a long time.

In recent times, I have gained a real understanding of the reality of heart failure, the kind that happens when someone follows their heart, only to find that things are not as they had hoped.

I am also aware of the heart failure that can occur when someone doesn't take care of themself (oddly, often as a result of emotional heart damage resulting in poor lifestyle choices), causing real physical damage to their heart and possibly threatening or shortening their life.

The good news is that we live in the 21st century and there are many treatments, medications, and proven lifestyle changes that can help to reverse (or at least "put on hold") the physical damage caused from years of unhealthy choices leading to the reality of a damaged heart. Once damage is determined, the time for change and healing is finite and critical. There can be pain and discomforts involved as we begin to stretch long inactive muscles, give up foods that are unhealthy for us and bend our abused body into shape. If we are diligent, we will walk away from the healing process with a stronger heart, a better self-image and a healthier body.

And the good news is that the emotional damage from heart break can also be healed, but it sometimes is slower to respond and requires more time. Meds are not the answer for emotional heart ache. Some change in how we make choices is probably appropriate, and exercise and lifestyle changes can certainly help our emotional state, but this indefinite time of change and healing for an emotionally damaged heart can be a slow and painful process of introspection, rather than physical exertion. If we are diligent, we will walk away from the healing process with a stronger heart, a more honest self-perception and a healthier outlook on life and love.

Although quick fix solutions will sometimes get us through the necessary comings and goings of daily life as we redirect and reassess and rebuild our hearts and lives, in the end it will take more than a band-aid to truly repair a damaged heart.

I am not going to stop trusting my heart, it has served me well (most of the time) as I have ventured here and there during my life. I am, however, going to be more attentive, take better care of myself physically and emotionally, and always carry a band-aid. Just in case.

Heart "Alone"

Killing Time

Time. It's either on your side or not.

Airlines. They are either on time or not.

Travel. It's usually on your side, unless the airlines are not cooperating.

Delays. Sometimes delays can be on your side, if you know about them in advance and can plan something fun and useful to fill the extra time you suddenly have.

Time. I have always struggled with time. I am either early (which drives me nuts because I am not very good at sitting and waiting, mostly because I have a hard time being still or twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do), or I am late (which drives everyone else nuts, but may be the only reason I can still claim some degree of sanity).

Today, I was on time.

Today, DELTA was late. No, DELTA was delayed. No, DELTA was not going anywhere, at least the plane I was on time for was not going anywhere soon. Or so they said.

I should be on my way to Boston right now on the 6:20 AM flight, but instead, because I live so close to the airport, I have wandered home (this circles back to the inability to sit still and twiddle my thumbs for more than 5 minutes at a time) to do a few chores while I wait for the 8:20 AM flight.

My bag is checked. I am ready to go. DELTA is not.

I have my silly preferences when it comes to airlines, and DELTA used to be one of mine. Today they were bumped way down the list for the following reasons: 1) No flight (I could stop here but there is more), 2) No cute little DELTA paper envelope for all the boarding passes/luggage claim tickets/receipts, 3) $15 charge to check a bag.

I flew Southwest on Saturday, and they were on time, they checked my bag with a smile and they gave me a nice little paper Southwest envelope to keep all of THEIR required paperwork. This was very nice since I have a bottomless purse that often reminds me of the carpet bag Mary Poppins carried around causing me to remove countless items before ever retrieving anything I am looking for, including THEIR paperwork when necessary.

So, what to do with 2 hours of free time between 6 and 8 AM, when you are already showered, dressed and ready to hit your day?

A nap sounded good, since I have about 3 1/2 hours of sleep...but 7:15 AM is a bit early to take a nap. Breakfast is done, I am showered and dressed..."my bags are packed and ready to go, I'm standing here outside your door, I hate to wake you up to say goodbye, but I'm leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back again"...(wait, no, that's not what I meant to say/sing, or maybe it is!)....so what better thing to do but to sing a little song and write a little blog entry. I guess I could make paper airplanes and fly them in my house, they are more dependable today than DELTA is. I could even make my own little paper envelope and send a prototype to DELTA since they seem to have increased charges and cut costs beyond practicality.

At least now I remember why I am typically right on time or usually a bit late, and very rarely early.

When you're early with nothing do to, it's such a waste of time...and paper. But today wasn't a waste. I got to dance around my house and sing "Leavin on a jet plane....", and that just might have made it all worth it. See, being on time is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess I will forgive DELTA, but I "....don't know when I'll be back again....."

Peter, Paul and Mary "Leaving on a Jet Plane"

Time Travel

I am going to build a time travel machine. I really am. I want to go back and try a different tactic (or two, or three, or a dozen) in certain (past) situations in my life. I want to see what MIGHT have happened if I had made different choices. Or do I? Hmmm.

Isn't that what life is about? It's all about choices. We drive down the freeway and take the wrong offramp, and end up in a neighborhood we are completely unfamiliar with. We order a new couch in the color that's all the rage, only to find out that burnt orange really doesn't go with our light blue carpet. We choose to live correct and honorable principles or fly by the seat of our pants with no moral code to guide us - each individual choice taking us down a unique road, sometimes with a few confusing detours along the way (because of our choices).

We choose. Or sometimes we refuse to. Or sometimes we procrastinate our choices, waiting for something to force the decision one way or another, thereby taking the responsibility that goes with making a choice away from us (or at least that's what we rationalize in our minds).

And yet, when a choice is taken away from us or forced upon us, we fight to regain that right. For example, have you ever tried to choose an outfit for a teenage girl? Even if she asks?!?!

Some choices are simply not yours to make.

But, I think that for the most part, we are thankful each day for this God-given privilege to choose, which is why we are so protective of it.

We choose our spouse.

We choose our clothes. We choose to exercise and eat healthy, or be a couch potato and eat fast foods.

We choose to smile or frown.

We choose to read a book or watch TV. We choose to work ethically or just get by.

We choose the right, or we don't.

Sometimes there is no gray area when we make a choice, sometimes there is.

Everything we do is choice. And every choice we make has a consequence, sometimes that consequence is not played out instantly, but it does play out eventually.

It takes courage to make some choices. It takes courage to let others make their own choices.

I have made a lot of choices in my life, some good, some bad. Some really good, some really bad.

I didn't choose my children, they were sent to me without any preapproval or screening process. I am so glad! What if I had passed one over? What if I had been afraid to have six kids, or not wanted any more after Katrina was stillborn, or worried about some silly idiosyncrasy that I thought I saw in one of them? What if I had not had the privilege to be their mother?

I choose not to think about that possibility.

I love being a mother. My kids are grown now (my youngest, Kalen, is almost 18 and has thought she was grown up since she was 15), but as they were growing up I watched my children make choices - good and bad choices. I watched as they learned from them (some learned faster than others). Some of my kids feel I gave them too much leeway, allowed them too much freedom to choose, and maybe they are right.

But hey, this was my first attempt at being a parent. I didn't get a practice run at it. I was making choices, testing theories, experimenting with their lives basically. But don't all parents to some degree? I regret those times I fell short as a parent, both in instances where a choice I made caused the 'failure' as well as when simple inexperience was the cause.

I made decisions then, and I am making choices today. Decisions that affect not only me, but friends, family, and those I love. We are all making decisions that will affect our future. I do know that for the most part I made the best choices possible considering where I was and what I was dealing with at that point in my life. I did, I truly believe, the best I could.

I suppose time travel could make sense (try one decision, race forward to see how it works out, if it doesn't look too good, race back and try another......repeat), but something tells me we wouldn't get much done. Besides, I can't even manage a remote control, I am not sure how I would ever build a time machine. I think I will make a choice right now and scrap the time machine plans. However, choices and their relationships to time are still worthy of consideration.

Choices are important. They determine our life path. They determine our lifelong friendships. They determine our family relationships. They are our best teachers.

Sometimes, as we are planning for the future, the choices we are making today are choices about how to deal with a choice we made in the past. Wow, that sounds a lot like time travel. One eternal round. Past, Present, Future. Repeat.




I am grateful for the ability to make choices. I know I have a lot more choices to make in my life and I am determined to make better choices than some I have made in the past. I want to be a better, stronger, happier person, one who is more compassionate, more patient, more real.

I wish I could go back and change a few choices I have made, but I can't. So today I will look to yesterday for lessons I need to remember as I also look forward to the future. Wow, more time travel.

Some choices need to be instantaneous, some require thoughtful preparation. Some don't even need to be made. It's a confusing

One thing's for certain. We need to look at the big picture, the broad spectrum, the whole enchilada, the past/present/future. We really can't afford to rationalize or procrastinate, there's too much at stake and life is too short to delay.

We need to use our minds to learn from our past and plan for our future - today.

We can do this! I can do this! It's a choice, nothing more, nothing less.

Today I choose to choose.

Beam me up, Scotty! (oh dear, does that require a remote control?!)

Original Star Trek Series Intro and Theme Song