Guys and Dolls

I suppose that I might as well jump into the fray and comment.

Since I recently 'came out' as a calendared watcher of "The Bachelor" on ABC, I have been chomping at the bit to expound on the ridiculous drama that seems to have captured an exponentially expanding role in the show, to say nothing of the imaginative minds glued to the TV every Monday night.

But I am going to resist. The gals really don't deserve even a line of my commentary. (And that line says volumes, doesn't it?)

Nope, it's not the gals I want to chat about, I am going in another direction. I am going to comment about Jake. Yes, Jake, a guy who seemed real, if a bit emotionally raw in  last season's "The Bachelorette" (yes, I watched that too); a guy who was a favorite for the next Bachelor, and a guy who looks great in and out of uniform - although not as rugged as the show seems to want to portray him (for what reason I don't know - he looks just fine in normal clothes).

I am doing this because I think men (and women) can learn a lot from Jake. After all, he's a good looking guy who wears his heart-of-gold on his flannel sleeve and is looking for love in all the wrong places. Sound familiar?

Anyway, these are my thoughts, and mine alone. For instance...when Jake isn't stressing over what's going on in the quintessential "Bachelor Pad" that (it must be noted) he volunteered for and is getting paid for, he can be quite charming and handsome. But most of the time he seems stressed, with a furrowed brow and forced smile - as if this is harder than he expected. I am not sure why Jake expected a gaggle of stiletto clad single women to show up on a pay-to-play show and not be, well, a gaggle of doll-looking, cleavage baring, fun-seeking single women. It seems obvious to most of the rest of us.

Lesson #1
Don't sweat the small stuff.

And when he isn't looking deeply into the eyes of some doll and losing all perspective, Jake has an open heart and admirable goals. He is truly looking for love, but is this really where he will find it?

Lesson #2
Set realistic goals and create a realistic plan to reach them.

Beyond those obvious qualities of sincerity and a vulnerable heart, Jake needs a little help in the conversation arena. Is it me, or do his recurring lines consist entirely of the following: 1) Thanks "guys" for being here (I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any guy there but him, oh, and Chris), 2) You look beautiful tonight, 3) I love your dress, 4) I love your eyes, 5) You are amazing, 6) I really like you.

Lesson #3
Communication is an integral part of any relationship;

 learn to communicate; learn the art of conversation; learn the importance of substance in what you say.

Jake is on a very focused mission with the implied-by-actions motto "Take no prisoners". I don't really care who he ends up with - if he ends up with anyone at all, but I wonder if he is slicing and dicing his way through the dolls a bit too quickly. I understand that he doesn't want to waste any more time, but he has burned roses, for gosh sake. He has given up the opportunity to spend more time with at least 2 girls who might (or might not) have shown the qualities he is looking for if given the chance (more time with him without all the others). This fast-paced, group date style romancing seems less than optimum to me and to most of the world, but Jake sincerely expects to find true love there.

Lesson #4
Don't judge a book by it's cover, or even the first few pages;

take time to open it up and read beyond the introduction.

And last, but not least, it appears that Jake is on a mission that doesn't allow for any downtime; it reminds me of men who head out with their families on a road trip and don't think to brake at a rest stop.So what if they don't have to pee, to breathe - the rest of us do! And it's good to breathe! Decisions can be made in a less harried fashion, people can be enjoyed for who they are, not dismissed because after knowing them for 2 hours they don't appear to be who you want them to be.

Lesson #5
Take time to smell the roses,
instead of burning them.

I imagine this will be my first and last post about The Bachelor. But I just had to do it.

Some things just need to be said, as Ali obviously believes. And some things don't, as Ali obviously doesn't believe. Don't get me started on that one!

May the "guy" with the purest heart win the final rose.

I love boutonniere's.

Enough said.

iPhone iNsanity

Cell phones. They drive me nuts. iPhones included.

You can't live with them, you can't live without them. Either they are too much of a leash and you can't get away from them, or they are out-of-range or out-of-juice and more frustrating than opening a toothbrush package.

Or, if you are me, even with a florescent LIME GREEN iPhone, you still can't keep track of the darn thing (and as long as we are chatting, what's with the lower case i thing - it's creeping into everything, iMean really, everything).

And yet, as frustrating as cell phones are what would we do without them? My iPhone has all of my critical (but not private and personal) information stored in it, and until recently iMade the mistake of considering it my lifeline for phone, text and email conversations, as well as data management. But that wasn't bad enough, oh no, iCouldn't just stop there - even with all the frustrations iMentioned earlier in this post.

Two recent experiences with my iPhone have reminded me of how dependent we are (iAm) on cell phone communication and information storage).

The first unsettling experience occurred when iTravelled from Albuquerque to Salt Lake City but somehow left my LIME GREEN cell phone on the seat of my car in the Sunport parking lot in New Mexico and didn't notice it laying there as iRaced to the terminal - most likely late for my flight.

iArrived in SLC without my iPhone and had no contact information for anyone, and even worse, iCouldn't remember anyone's number except my daughter in Cedar City, UT (who was not home) and my friend in Las Vegas, NV (who was not home). This was an iOpening experience since iCan still remember phone numbers of my best friends when iWas in elementary school, yet iDidn't know even one of my children's cell phone numbers from memory.

iAm grateful that this is not something iCan blame on "oldtimers", iStill have some brain power left! No, ther reason iCouldn't remember their numbers was because they had all changed their cell phone numbers recently (for a better phone plan when they moved, or maybe a better phone plan on another carrier). And also, because iHad never had to dial their numbers - not even once. iJust entered their contact info into my phone and hit "CALL" when iWanted to talk to them. iEven had a cheat sheet in my wallet with everyone's cell phone numbers, just in case of a serious EMERGENCY (one that is so serious a movie could be made about it, maybe "iPhoneless in SLC").

Anyway, the cheat sheet, although fairly recent in creation, was outdated. NONE of the numbers were accurate. iNeeded my iPhone.

And during all of this time, while iAm frantically trying to figure out how to get ahold of someone, my daugher in SLC was waiting rather impatiently in the SLC airport cell phone parking lot - how ironic! iCouldn't even call her - iDidn't have a cell phone or her number for that matter.

iStopped at a pay phone (yes, they still exist, but they aren't a dime anymore), and iActually was able to find the correct change in my purse, but iStill didn't have anyone's number.

iTried to call my daughter's cell phone - the one in Cedar City - it was the one correct cell phone number that iHad, but when her phone rang she didn't answer because the CALLER iD showed: UNKNOWN (yet another downfall of not having my iPhone and calling from a pay phone). The more iThink about this, the more iThink it's a conspiracy. Cell phones are taking over the world.

Anyway, iWas finally able to reach my son-in-law who had wandered into their home in Cedar City, and he called his wife (my daughter) ON HER CELL PHONE (which thankfully she chose to answer because it didn't say UNKNOWN on her screen). She then called her younger sister who was still impatiently waiting in the CELL PHONE parking lot and once they connected my frustrated younger daughter cruised by the passenger pick up area at the airport looking for a frazzled cellphoneless mother.

It's clear that we are beyond dependent on these iThings! We don't even answer if they don't say what we want them to say on the screen! We can't answer if our hands are full. There are now signs telling us NOT to answer if we are in certain places. And we don't remember phone numbers any more! We need LIME GREEN and bright colored phones to help us keep track of them.

OK, back to the experiences. The second experience happened in Vegas, and thankfully this time what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas. iWas in Vegas having lunch with friends and on my way to my daughter's wedding in Southern Utah when iLeft my LIME GREEN iPhone in the ladies room at the Paris Casino. Can you imagine my panic when iRealized that all my travel information was on my calendar on my cell phone, all my contact information was on my cell phone, every phone number, address, name, note and reminder of what iNeeded to do in the next 72 hours was stored on my cell phone AND, that in spite of the LIME GREEN, iHad once again NOT noticed that iHad set it down and once again iHad lost it? iDid have an emergency card in my wallet with updated numbers, but that wasn't going to work, we had a wedding to do! iPanicked; iHit Lost and Found; they appeared sympathetic and quickly looked through a drawerful of multicolored cell phones. There was nothing LIME GREEN, so they took my information. iAppeared composed, but inside iWas crumbling.

Cell phone loss is traumatic, it's like a death in the family, or worse yet, a kidnapping of sorts. iWas certain iHad lost LIMEY to a quick eBay sale by some dishonest woman who followed after me to the same bathroom stall and noticed the LIME GREEN phone sitting on top of the toilet paper holder (never EVER set your cell phone down like that!).

Thankfully, a lady did find it in the stall and turned it over to her husband who thought quickly and called the last number iHad dialed (my daughter in SLC) to try and locate the owner. After talking to my daughter, who called my friends in LV, iWas joyfully, ecstatically and almost tearfully reunited with my LIME GREEN partner (out of respect for any children who might read this iThink it best to not repeat the incredulous comments of this younger daughter when we finally connected again by iPhone- yes, the same one who had sat waiting for my call in the airport cell phone parking lot only a few weeks earlier).

Now, you would think iWould have learned, but oh no; it just gets worse. Last week a friend introduced me to "BUMP", an application you can download FOR FREE onto your iPhone. This amazing program allows two iPhone owners to literally BUMP arms and VOILA! personal contact info is instantly tranferred from one iPhone to the other and vice versa. You read that correctly, iAm not kidding.

Yes, we bumped, and iKnow it works! iBelieve! Just BUMP and name, address, phone, email of the person you bumped instantly appears on the screen of your iPhone.

Well, BUMP was my first real introduction into the world of iPhone applications, up to that point iHad only uploaded basic applications like Maps and Calendar and Contacts. But since my introduction to BUMP, iHave spent several hours (in the wee hours of the morning when iCan't sleep) downloading various FREE applications ranging from the scriptures to iMunchies, providing me with iGospel and iPopcorn, a great iCombination, iSuppose.

So iNow have...*drum roll*...six screens full of applications, ALPHABETIZED and in order, on my LIME GREEN iPhone. SIX. What in the world am iGoing to do with all of these applications? Just scrolling through them is an effort; iCertainly have no excuse to be idle or bored. (iCan just sing a hymn, pop popcorn, play tic tac toe, read a book, search Wikipedia, read any newspaper in the nation, study Socrates, etc!)

And after all, iCan also BUMP some stranger on the street who has an iPhone and VOILA! again - my own little Black (LIME GREEN?) Book. Well, not quite, but it won't be long...the i is taking over.

And speaking of i's, iNeed to go, someone's calling...but even LIME GREEN along with BUMP and myriads of applications doesn't help; iHave no idea where LIMEY is. i Think they need to create a new application to help me.

They probably have one, but it won't do me a darn bit of good right now, since iCan't find my LIME GREEN phone...and iThink iAm supposed to be somewhere in an hour but iDon't have the address - it's on my iCalendar, along with the details in my iWill list of what iAm supposed to bring and do....."

iWonder...


Stevie Wonder "iJust Called To Say iLove You"

Cheers

It's all about tender negotiations. It begins with admitting you were wrong, and even earlier by taking a breath, gathering information and choosing your words carefully. It was about racial profiling. Now it's about beer. There are no words of my own that come to mind, so I propose the following toast, adapted slightly from a traditional beer toast. Maybe the President should have this loaded into the teleprompter. :)

For every wound, a balm.
For every sorrow, cheer.
For every storm, a calm.
For every outburst, a beer.

CHEERS!

Cheers Theme Song, Season 7

Dog Years

It seems to me, if someone (or something) wants to be liked, used, appreciated and bragged about, they are careful about their communication - honest but not necessarily totally revealing, serious about life but with a enough humor to make them real, AND tactful and sensitive.

This is not the case with the Wii Fit. Within the first few minutes of our initial "getting to know you" conversation, I was told that my "Wii Age" is 4 years older than I really am. "Your Wii age is (imagine a drumroll here, as if I am going to be ecstatic) FIFTY NINE!" What? Excuse me? How dare he/she? We hardly know each other! The totally out-of-the-blue, shoulda-known-me-better-first statement was shocking to say the least, especially since I am not even 55 yet.

I am much more accustomed and appreciative of the (possibly insincere) comments that I more often receive: You have HOW many kids? I would never have guessed." OR "You must have been a child bride." OR "Your age, let's see...you can't be a day over 45!"

Now that's what I am talking about. Blatant lies, but that's one heck of a lot better than blatant honesty! There is a time and place for insincerity and blatant fudging, or even withholding of the truth. And there are some things that don't need to be said. EVER!

First impressions count, and at this moment, my first impression of Wii Fit is not great. I appreciate directness, but NOT in the first conversation you ever have!!! Gimme a break! Try delicacy next time.

And use some tact please! Why not just say "In dog years, you lovely lady, you are little more than 9 years old." But noooooo, just blurt out the calculation of FIFTY NINE as if it's my daily mileage allotment or something. Of course he/she didn't care, they are a Mii, they can't see my face, feel the emotion of my offense.

All I know is that the Wii needs some etiquette training. I can only imagine their online communication blunders if this is how they communicate 'face to face'.

Manners are a thing of the past, and evidently, I am not far from joining them. And speaking of that, I just lost four years, so you'll have to excuse me now; I have some living to do - with my dog - most definitely a woman's best friend!

Aerosmith "Living on the Edge"