Monday, September 7, 2009

iPhone iNsanity

Cell phones. They drive me nuts. iPhones included.

You can't live with them, you can't live without them. Either they are too much of a leash and you can't get away from them, or they are out-of-range or out-of-juice and more frustrating than opening a toothbrush package.

Or, if you are me, even with a florescent LIME GREEN iPhone, you still can't keep track of the darn thing (and as long as we are chatting, what's with the lower case i thing - it's creeping into everything, iMean really, everything).

And yet, as frustrating as cell phones are what would we do without them? My iPhone has all of my critical (but not private and personal) information stored in it, and until recently iMade the mistake of considering it my lifeline for phone, text and email conversations, as well as data management. But that wasn't bad enough, oh no, iCouldn't just stop there - even with all the frustrations iMentioned earlier in this post.

Two recent experiences with my iPhone have reminded me of how dependent we are (iAm) on cell phone communication and information storage).

The first unsettling experience occurred when iTravelled from Albuquerque to Salt Lake City but somehow left my LIME GREEN cell phone on the seat of my car in the Sunport parking lot in New Mexico and didn't notice it laying there as iRaced to the terminal - most likely late for my flight.

iArrived in SLC without my iPhone and had no contact information for anyone, and even worse, iCouldn't remember anyone's number except my daughter in Cedar City, UT (who was not home) and my friend in Las Vegas, NV (who was not home). This was an iOpening experience since iCan still remember phone numbers of my best friends when iWas in elementary school, yet iDidn't know even one of my children's cell phone numbers from memory.

iAm grateful that this is not something iCan blame on "oldtimers", iStill have some brain power left! No, ther reason iCouldn't remember their numbers was because they had all changed their cell phone numbers recently (for a better phone plan when they moved, or maybe a better phone plan on another carrier). And also, because iHad never had to dial their numbers - not even once. iJust entered their contact info into my phone and hit "CALL" when iWanted to talk to them. iEven had a cheat sheet in my wallet with everyone's cell phone numbers, just in case of a serious EMERGENCY (one that is so serious a movie could be made about it, maybe "iPhoneless in SLC").

Anyway, the cheat sheet, although fairly recent in creation, was outdated. NONE of the numbers were accurate. iNeeded my iPhone.

And during all of this time, while iAm frantically trying to figure out how to get ahold of someone, my daugher in SLC was waiting rather impatiently in the SLC airport cell phone parking lot - how ironic! iCouldn't even call her - iDidn't have a cell phone or her number for that matter.

iStopped at a pay phone (yes, they still exist, but they aren't a dime anymore), and iActually was able to find the correct change in my purse, but iStill didn't have anyone's number.

iTried to call my daughter's cell phone - the one in Cedar City - it was the one correct cell phone number that iHad, but when her phone rang she didn't answer because the CALLER iD showed: UNKNOWN (yet another downfall of not having my iPhone and calling from a pay phone). The more iThink about this, the more iThink it's a conspiracy. Cell phones are taking over the world.

Anyway, iWas finally able to reach my son-in-law who had wandered into their home in Cedar City, and he called his wife (my daughter) ON HER CELL PHONE (which thankfully she chose to answer because it didn't say UNKNOWN on her screen). She then called her younger sister who was still impatiently waiting in the CELL PHONE parking lot and once they connected my frustrated younger daughter cruised by the passenger pick up area at the airport looking for a frazzled cellphoneless mother.

It's clear that we are beyond dependent on these iThings! We don't even answer if they don't say what we want them to say on the screen! We can't answer if our hands are full. There are now signs telling us NOT to answer if we are in certain places. And we don't remember phone numbers any more! We need LIME GREEN and bright colored phones to help us keep track of them.

OK, back to the experiences. The second experience happened in Vegas, and thankfully this time what happened in Vegas didn't stay in Vegas. iWas in Vegas having lunch with friends and on my way to my daughter's wedding in Southern Utah when iLeft my LIME GREEN iPhone in the ladies room at the Paris Casino. Can you imagine my panic when iRealized that all my travel information was on my calendar on my cell phone, all my contact information was on my cell phone, every phone number, address, name, note and reminder of what iNeeded to do in the next 72 hours was stored on my cell phone AND, that in spite of the LIME GREEN, iHad once again NOT noticed that iHad set it down and once again iHad lost it? iDid have an emergency card in my wallet with updated numbers, but that wasn't going to work, we had a wedding to do! iPanicked; iHit Lost and Found; they appeared sympathetic and quickly looked through a drawerful of multicolored cell phones. There was nothing LIME GREEN, so they took my information. iAppeared composed, but inside iWas crumbling.

Cell phone loss is traumatic, it's like a death in the family, or worse yet, a kidnapping of sorts. iWas certain iHad lost LIMEY to a quick eBay sale by some dishonest woman who followed after me to the same bathroom stall and noticed the LIME GREEN phone sitting on top of the toilet paper holder (never EVER set your cell phone down like that!).

Thankfully, a lady did find it in the stall and turned it over to her husband who thought quickly and called the last number iHad dialed (my daughter in SLC) to try and locate the owner. After talking to my daughter, who called my friends in LV, iWas joyfully, ecstatically and almost tearfully reunited with my LIME GREEN partner (out of respect for any children who might read this iThink it best to not repeat the incredulous comments of this younger daughter when we finally connected again by iPhone- yes, the same one who had sat waiting for my call in the airport cell phone parking lot only a few weeks earlier).

Now, you would think iWould have learned, but oh no; it just gets worse. Last week a friend introduced me to "BUMP", an application you can download FOR FREE onto your iPhone. This amazing program allows two iPhone owners to literally BUMP arms and VOILA! personal contact info is instantly tranferred from one iPhone to the other and vice versa. You read that correctly, iAm not kidding.

Yes, we bumped, and iKnow it works! iBelieve! Just BUMP and name, address, phone, email of the person you bumped instantly appears on the screen of your iPhone.

Well, BUMP was my first real introduction into the world of iPhone applications, up to that point iHad only uploaded basic applications like Maps and Calendar and Contacts. But since my introduction to BUMP, iHave spent several hours (in the wee hours of the morning when iCan't sleep) downloading various FREE applications ranging from the scriptures to iMunchies, providing me with iGospel and iPopcorn, a great iCombination, iSuppose.

So iNow have...*drum roll*...six screens full of applications, ALPHABETIZED and in order, on my LIME GREEN iPhone. SIX. What in the world am iGoing to do with all of these applications? Just scrolling through them is an effort; iCertainly have no excuse to be idle or bored. (iCan just sing a hymn, pop popcorn, play tic tac toe, read a book, search Wikipedia, read any newspaper in the nation, study Socrates, etc!)

And after all, iCan also BUMP some stranger on the street who has an iPhone and VOILA! again - my own little Black (LIME GREEN?) Book. Well, not quite, but it won't be long...the i is taking over.

And speaking of i's, iNeed to go, someone's calling...but even LIME GREEN along with BUMP and myriads of applications doesn't help; iHave no idea where LIMEY is. i Think they need to create a new application to help me.

They probably have one, but it won't do me a darn bit of good right now, since iCan't find my LIME GREEN phone...and iThink iAm supposed to be somewhere in an hour but iDon't have the address - it's on my iCalendar, along with the details in my iWill list of what iAm supposed to bring and do....."


Stevie Wonder "iJust Called To Say iLove You"


  1. Maybe if you sing a hymn IN the stall you'll never forget it again. Don't you have pockets? And by the way - I was checking out in line at the grocery store when you called so it was more like bad timing than the Unknown Number thing. Though the urgency to answer went WAY down when I realized the other line had some unknown stranger on the line. Had I known it was my cell-phoneless mother, I would have stopped the world from spinning to answer. Then J.R. called when I was done checking out. Thank goodness! I'm so glad I was the rock in your phone number memory. Same home number for 11 years, same cell number for 5. I don't like change. It stresses me out. Another gene I didn't get from you. Are you my mother?

  2. Yes, iAm your mother. And believe me, iAm ready for one last change and that's it! Maybe you could pray in the stall for me, too?