Monday, September 21, 2009

Mickey Mouse is a Fallacy

I will never wear a Mickey Mouse hat again. All past infatuation of my youth is gone forever.  I hate mice. Therefore, I have outlined the 10 steps below for anyone who needs to get rid of a mouse, these are based on personal experience.

Step 1: Purchase, bait and set mousetrap: SNAP, the mighty mousetrap finally did its job. The mouse is dead. (This may not occur in the first hour or day you have set the trap, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION and TENACITY is required). Wash hands, over and over.

Step 2: Discovering the dead mouse in the morning right after climbing out of bed: SCREAM & RUN out of kitchen where it was found. Shake head as if you did't really see a dead mouse on your kitchen floor with it's head caught beneath the ugly metal bar that SNAPPED in the middle of the night sometime. REGROUP, square you shoulders and try to deal, after all it's a very small mouse, but WHO CARES? I hate mice. Wash hands, over and over.

Step 3: Figuring out what to do with the dead mouse and mighty mousetrap: DEFER until heart slows down. TAKE baby aspirin to minimize chance of STROKE. Drink entire bottle of WATER to replace sweat dripping from brow and other places on body. DON'T eat, for fear it will not stay down. Wash hands, over and over.

Step 4: Preventing any further viewing of the dead mouse: THROW a large folded towel over the trap and mouse. Wash hands, over and over.

Step 5: Prepping to somehow remove now covered mouse and trap from the house without seeing or touching it: STRATEGIC PLANNING and execution of plan are necessary, including purchase of LARGE flat blade shovel. AVOID as long as is sanitarily plausable. Wash hands, over and over.

Step 6: Lifting trap, mouse and towel on blade of shovel and quickly dropping into nearby bag-lined wide-mouthed trash can: HOLD BREATH, SQUINT EYES, WRINKLE NOSE, and PRAY that dead mouse does not become exposed. SCREAM even though it does not become exposed to release tension. Do NOT save used mouse trap. EVER. Wash hands, over and over.

Step 7: Close and tie the bagliner without looking, in case mouse is exposed: DO "I HATE MICE" creepy dance with same squinty eyes, wrinkled nose and held breath as before; carry bag to the garbage can outside and drop in quickly. Shower, bathe, wash hair, and hands, over and over.

Step 8: Closure: Mouse is dead. Mouse, trap AND towel are disposed of. Shovel needs washing - use lots of strong stuff to clean it, floor where mouse trap was strategically placed needs sterilizing. SHOWER TIME again! Wash hair and body and hands, over and over.

Step 9: TRASH DAY. I want that thing OUT of here for good! Goodbye Mickey! Can hardly wait for Wednesday, trash day. Never stop washing hands over and over.

Step 10: SET NEW trap(s) again, just in case Minnie is around. REPEAT as necessary.

I really hate mice. I hate them alive and I hate them dead. They give me the creeps.

Mice are NOTHING like Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Why in the world did we sensationalize mice??!?!? They are icky.

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